This top Chuck Norris jokes list spawned from some of the funniest facts out on the internet! Known as one of the manliest men in history, mythical character Chuck hears everything and his ability to do anything exceedingly well has become a prevailing theme in pop culture.
Chuck Norris jokes initially started in 2004 when late-night show comedian Conan O’Brien started sharing “Walker: Texas Ranger” jokes whenever one of his comedy efforts headed south. Soon, a cult following emerged. And, apparently, it shows no sign of stopping.
This venerable star of countless classic movies is so tough and so uncrossable, that the only sensible thing to do was compile a collection of jokes to tempt a fate worse than death at the hands of Chuck Norris. Beware of his wrath, should you choose to downvote any of them!
Best Chuck Norris Jokes
- Chuck Norris once went to court for a crime. The judge pleaded guilty.
- When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.
- Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.
- Sand is created by Chuck Norris shouting at rocks.
- Chuck Norris broke the law once. It still isn’t fixed.
- Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris Humor
Caution: Your ribs might hurt worse from reading these than from a roundhouse kick
- Chuck Norris can teach an old dog new tricks, and teach a new dog old tricks.
- Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.
- Sticks and Stones may break your bones, but so will Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can lift up a chair with one hand. While he’s sitting on it.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
- How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it.
- Chuck Norris was once bitten by a rattlesnake in the desert, and after 3 days of pain and agony, the snake died.
- Chuck Norris once uppercut a horse. Its descendants are now known as the giraffe.
- Before he goes to sleep each night, the boogeyman checks his closet and under his bed for Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can ride a wheelie. On a unicycle!
Check out our best Cheesy Jokes.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe air. He holds air hostage.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin… That he built with his bare hands.
Chuck Norris plays four square with a bowling ball.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris’ favorite candy is jaw breakers.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road? No one ever dared to ask him.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris falls in the water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he pushes the earth down.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
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Chuck Norris Meme
Chuck Norris Facts
- Chuck Norris eats at Chick-fil-A on Sundays.
- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
- Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
- Chuck Norris once made a happy meal cry.
- There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
- Children are afraid of the dark. The Dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
- Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
Check out the Best Insults and Comebacks.
- There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
- When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.
- Chuck Norris once threw a grenade that killed 20 people. Then it exploded.
- When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn’t walk around people. He walks through them.
- Sharks have a week dedicated to Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong phone.
Check out: 125+ Who is most likely to questions game.
- Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
- Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.
- When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.
- Chuck Norris can breathe underwater.
- The government pays Chuck Norris taxes.
- Chuck Norris can’t break the law. Chuck Norris is the law.
- There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
- Chuck Norris can speak in Morse code.
- Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
- Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
- When Chuck Norris works out he doesn’t get stronger, the machine does.
- Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
- If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
- Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
- Who can build a snowman out of the rain? Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.
- Mistakes learn from Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
- Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
- Elvis called Chuck Norris the King.
- Chuck Norris can find the needle in the haystack.
Do you have any suggested Chuck Norris Jokes? Let us know via the contact page.
How Old is Chuck Norris?
Chuck Norris’ age is 78-year old. He’s a modern-day living legend, who by no means is anything like your average dude. He’s best known for his classic TV series Walker Texas Ranger, but thanks to the internet, Chuck has evolved over time into a persona of unstoppable force with a knack for achieving the impossible.
He keeps his youthful look by working out on the Total Gym, which you may have noticed in an infomercial or two.
By Mike O’Halloran
Mike is an author and founder of Greeting Card Poet.
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