Sarcastic Quotes, Comments, Sayings
Do you think you could handle a few sarcastic quotes? Ever yearn to be blunt but without hurting someone’s feelings? One perfect means to do it is through sarcasm. It can be witty and bring joy into our lives, but it provides a certain brutal type of honesty to your communications.
Although some people find it challenging to understand the hidden purpose of our sarcastic messages, others have no difficulty in finding the reason for it at all.
In every sarcastic remark, there is usually some truth behind it. It’s sometimes gentler to express our feelings to other people through sarcasm. Here are some of the best sarcastic quotes about love, hate, life, and relationships. Enjoy!
Best Sarcastic Quotes
1. If you are cooler than me, does that make me hotter than you?
2. If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
3. I’m sorry, while you were talking, I was trying to figure out where the hell you got the idea I cared.
4. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
5. You know there’s just one more thing to do after you crack a joke… Tickle the other person!
6. I am not young enough to know everything.
Good Sarcastic Quotes
7. It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.
8. There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
James Holt McGavran
9. Don’t be humble… you’re not that great.
10. Love is in the air. Do not breathe.
11. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
12. Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas.
13. You’re not that lucky, and I’m not that desperate!
14. Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics; I can assure you that mine are all greater.
15. If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
16. I have never killed anyone, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.
17. If you wrote down every single thought you ever had, you would get an award for the shortest story ever.
Believe in Sarcasm Books
Sarcastic Quotes About Relationships
18. Marry someone who you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
19. Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
20. True bonding is when you and your friends are all angry about the same thing.
21. I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
22. If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married, you can’t even change the TV Channel.
23. As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right, or you can be happy.
24. Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her, or she’ll take it anyway.
Sarcastic Quotes on Boyfriends and Girlfriends
25. 81% of boys have girlfriends, rest 19% have a brain.
26. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
27. Why would someone who has an average life expectancy of 75 years, get married when he is 29?
28. Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
29. My girlfriend is so good at playing hide and seek. I haven’t found her yet.
30. Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.
Sarcastic Quotes on Life
31. I find television very educational. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
32. I thought I had seen the pinnacle of stupid. Then I met you.
33. Seeing a murder on television can help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
34. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
35. Revenge is beneath me. Accidents, however, will happen.
36. Love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
37. If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
38. If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.
39. If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
40. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
41. A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
Sarcastic Comments On Living
42. If I had just one hour left to live, I’d spend it in Math class…it never ends.
43. Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.
44. Behind every successful person, there are a lot of unsuccessful years.
45. The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.
46. Life is like a roller coaster, and I’m about to throw up.
47. Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.
48. History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
Sarcastic Love And Hate Quotes
49. I think I’m a love triangle. I love myself. Myself loves me. Me loves I.
50. Every time I look at you, I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
51. You can be whatever you want; however, in your case, you should probably aim low.
52. If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
53. The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
George Bernard Shaw
54. Everyone has the right to be stupid. But you’re abusing the privilege.
55. I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning, I will be sober, and you will still be ugly.
Sir Winston Churchill
56. I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.
57. Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.
58. You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes are closed.
59. He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends.
60. WAIT…I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
61. Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
62. Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone… I realized I can do so much without you.
63. If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
64. I love you more than I originally planned to.
65. You can’t face the problem if the problem is your face.
Funny Sarcastic Quotes
66. Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.
67. A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
68. He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
69. See this hand? It’s going to descend in an arc that will, in the process, have contact with your face. Just warning you.
70. Marry me, and I’ll never look at another horse!
71. You are so lucky to have me.
72. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
73. Tell me… Is being stupid a profession, or are you just gifted?
74. It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I’m really quite busy.
75. Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
76. You can be whatever you want; however, in your case, you should probably aim low.
77. I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
78. An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
Sir Winston Churchill
79. Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
80. I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.
81. I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.
Believe in Sarcasm Books
82. Don’t worry about hurting my feelings because I guarantee you that not one bit of my self-esteem is tied up in your acceptance.
Short Sarcastic Quotes
83. My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
84. My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.
85. If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
86. Sorry for the awful but accurate things I said about you.
87. Are you always stupid or is today a special occasion?
88. Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
89. The first few weeks of Weight Watchers, you’re just finding your feet.
90. My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then, we met.
91. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
92. It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
93. The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
94. I failed math so many times in school I can’t even count.
95. Does my wife think I’m a control freak? I haven’t decided yet.
96. A perfectionist walked into a bar… apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.
Sarcastic Comments Funny
97. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
98. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
99. I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
100. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
101. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
102.) Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
103. Well, aren’t you just a little ray of pitch blackness?
104. I’m returning your nose. I found it in my business.
105. Feed your own ego; I’m busy.
Really Funny Sarcastic Quotes
106. If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
107. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.
108. Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.
109. Me? Sarcastic? Never?
110. Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
111. Sarcasm: the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.
112. I want you to know someone cares. Not me. But someone cares.
113. You’re deeply offended by the things I say? Imagine all the stuff I hold back.
Bonus Sarcastic Quotes
114. Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit!
115. People say laughter is the best medicine. Your face must be curing the world.
116. There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?
117. Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.
118. Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.
119. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
120. Sarcasm is the body’s natural defens against stupidity.
121. Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams.
122. Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
123. All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence — then success is sure.
Hilarious Sarcastic Quotes
124. Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.
125. When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work.
126. When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.
127. My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.
128. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on this planet.
129. My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.
130. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
131. Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that.
Witty Sarcastic Remarks
132. Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.
133. It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
134. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap eight people at once.
135. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
136. What doesn’t kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor.
137. Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.
What is Sarcasm?
The definition of sarcasm is the use of irony, tempered by humor, to convey contempt or to mock. For example, if someone is struggling to pronounce a sentence correctly, you might make the sarcastic comment, “That’s easy for you to say!”
The key to using sarcasm is to know your audience. A good friend might find a sarcastic comment funny. Someone you don’t know might find the same type of comment rude.
Examples of sarcastic comments
Here are some examples of sarcastic comments:
A.) My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
B.) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
C.) You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
D.) Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
E.) Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
How To Use These Sarcastic Quotes
All these sarcastic quotes can help you in many different ways. For instance, the quotes on life will help you to understand the difficulties of life and laugh while understanding them.
They can also be a great means of throwing some shade or smack talk to your friends or family members who give you a hard time. Another great use of these quotes can be for the pictures you post on your social media accounts. These may even get hilarious reviews.
How to Respond to Sarcasm
There are a few ways to respond to sarcastic comments:
Ignore it. If the humor didn’t go over big, don’t feed the fire.
Build on it. Respond to sarcasm with a sarcastic comment of your own. Works well with folks you know well.
Smile and acknowledge the humor. You might win a friend in the process.
Walk away. End the argument before it starts.
Pause and repeat the comment (while looking at the person who made the comment). This is a good response to inappropriate sarcasm.
You be the judge. You’ll know the situation, the context, and the parties involved (usually). So, you’ll be in the best position to decide on the appropriate response.
You know, they say, “Sarcasm is like punching people in the face but with words,” and after writing these sarcastic quotes and comments all down, I have to say I agree. Have a great day!
By Liz Olson
Liz is a writer based in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
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