Sarcastic Quotes, Comments, Sayings
Do you think you could handle a few sarcastic quotes? Ever yearn to be blunt but without hurting someone’s feelings? One perfect means to do it is through sarcasm. It can be witty and bring joy into our lives, but it provides a certain brutal type of honesty to your communications.
Although some people find it challenging to understand the hidden purpose of our sarcastic messages, others have no difficulty in finding the reason for it at all.
In every sarcastic remark, there is usually some truth behind it. It’s sometimes gentler to express our feelings to other people through sarcasm. Here are some of the best sarcastic quotes about love, hate, life, and relationships. Enjoy!
Best Sarcastic Quotes
1. If you are cooler than me, does that make me hotter than you?
Unknown
2. If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Groucho Marx
3. I’m sorry, while you were talking, I was trying to figure out where the hell you got the idea I cared.
Unknown
4. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
Lily Tomlin
5. You know there’s just one more thing to do after you crack a joke… Tickle the other person!
Unknown
6. I am not young enough to know everything.
Oscar Wilde
Good Sarcastic Quotes
7. It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.
Voltaire
8. There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
James Holt McGavran
9. Don’t be humble… you’re not that great.
Golda Meir
10. Love is in the air. Do not breathe.
Unknown
11. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
12. Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson
13. You’re not that lucky, and I’m not that desperate!
Unknown
14. Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics; I can assure you that mine are all greater.
Albert Einstein
15. If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
16. I have never killed anyone, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.
Clarence Darrow
17. If you wrote down every single thought you ever had, you would get an award for the shortest story ever.
Believe in Sarcasm Books
Sarcastic Quotes About Relationships
18. Marry someone who you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Unknown
19. Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Groucho Marx
20. True bonding is when you and your friends are all angry about the same thing.
Unknown
21. I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
Patrick Murray
22. If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married, you can’t even change the TV Channel.
Unknown
23. As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right, or you can be happy.
Ralphie May
24. Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her, or she’ll take it anyway.
Joey Adams
Sarcastic Quotes on Boyfriends and Girlfriends
25. 81% of boys have girlfriends, rest 19% have a brain.
Unknown
26. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Groucho Marx
27. Why would someone who has an average life expectancy of 75 years, get married when he is 29?
Unknown
28. Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
Erma Bombeck
29. My girlfriend is so good at playing hide and seek. I haven’t found her yet.
Unknown
30. Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.
Cecilia Egan
Sarcastic Quotes on Life
31. I find television very educational. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx
32. I thought I had seen the pinnacle of stupid. Then I met you.
Unknown
33. Seeing a murder on television can help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
Alfred Hitchcock
34. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Steven Wright
35. Revenge is beneath me. Accidents, however, will happen.
Unknown
36. Love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
Unknown
37. If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
Steven Wright
38. If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.
Standard Booklets
39. If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
Unknown
40. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Henny Youngman
41. A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
Joey Adams
Sarcastic Comments On Living
42. If I had just one hour left to live, I’d spend it in Math class…it never ends.
Unknown
43. Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.
Oscar Wilde
44. Behind every successful person, there are a lot of unsuccessful years.
Unknown
45. The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.
Natalie Wood
46. Life is like a roller coaster, and I’m about to throw up.
Unknown
47. Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.
Robin Williams
48. History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
Abba Eban
Sarcastic Love And Hate Quotes
49. I think I’m a love triangle. I love myself. Myself loves me. Me loves I.
Unknown
50. Every time I look at you, I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
Oscar Levant
51. You can be whatever you want; however, in your case, you should probably aim low.
Unknown
52. If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
Charlie Pierce
53. The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
George Bernard Shaw
54. Everyone has the right to be stupid. But you’re abusing the privilege.
Unknown
55. I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning, I will be sober, and you will still be ugly.
Sir Winston Churchill
56. I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.
Stephen Bishop
57. Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.
Joan Crawford
58. You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes are closed.
Standard Booklets
59. He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends.
Oscar Wilde
60. WAIT…I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
Unknown
61. Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
Unknown
62. Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone… I realized I can do so much without you.
Standard Booklets
63. If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
George Carlin
64. I love you more than I originally planned to.
Unknown
65. You can’t face the problem if the problem is your face.
PewDiePie
Funny Sarcastic Quotes
66. Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.
Standard Booklets
67. A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
Elbert Hubbard
68. He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
Forrest Tucker
69. See this hand? It’s going to descend in an arc that will, in the process, have contact with your face. Just warning you.
Unknown
70. Marry me, and I’ll never look at another horse!
Groucho Marx
71. You are so lucky to have me.
Unknown
72. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
73. Tell me… Is being stupid a profession, or are you just gifted?
Unknown
74. It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I’m really quite busy.
Unknown
75. Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
Drew Carrey
Heavy Sarcasm
76. You can be whatever you want; however, in your case, you should probably aim low.
Unknown
77. I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
Sam Kinison
78. An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
Sir Winston Churchill
79. Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
Mark Twain
80. I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx
81. I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.
Believe in Sarcasm Books
82. Don’t worry about hurting my feelings because I guarantee you that not one bit of my self-esteem is tied up in your acceptance.
Unknown
Short Sarcastic Quotes
83. My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
Unknown
84. My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.
Unknown
85. If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
Unknown
86. Sorry for the awful but accurate things I said about you.
Unknown
87. Are you always stupid or is today a special occasion?
Unknown
88. Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
Unknown
Sarcastic Comments
89. The first few weeks of Weight Watchers, you’re just finding your feet.
Unknown
90. My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then, we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
91. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Unknown
92. It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
Unknown
93. The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
Unknown
94. I failed math so many times in school I can’t even count.
Unknown
95. Does my wife think I’m a control freak? I haven’t decided yet.
Stewart Francis
96. A perfectionist walked into a bar… apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.
Unknown
Sarcastic Comments Funny
97. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Unknown
98. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Unknown
99. I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
Zach Galifianakis
100. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
Unknown
101. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Unknown
102.) Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
Unknown
103. Well, aren’t you just a little ray of pitch blackness?
Unknown
104. I’m returning your nose. I found it in my business.
Unknown
105. Feed your own ego; I’m busy.
Unknown
Really Funny Sarcastic Quotes
106. If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
Unknown
107. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.
Unknown
108. Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.
Unknown
109. Me? Sarcastic? Never?
Unknown
110. Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
Unknown
111. Sarcasm: the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.
Unknown
112. I want you to know someone cares. Not me. But someone cares.
Unknown
113. You’re deeply offended by the things I say? Imagine all the stuff I hold back.
Unknown
Bonus Sarcastic Quotes
114. Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit!
Oscar Wilde
115. People say laughter is the best medicine. Your face must be curing the world.
Unknown
116. There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?
Kin Hubbard
117. Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.
Unknown
118. Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.
Walter Kerr
119. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
Robert Oppenheimer
120. Sarcasm is the body’s natural defens against stupidity.
Unknown
121. Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams.
Unknown
122. Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
William James
123. All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence — then success is sure.
Mark Twain
Hilarious Sarcastic Quotes
124. Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.
Stephan Colbert
125. When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work.
Unknown
126. When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.
Unknown
127. My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.
Unknown
128. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on this planet.
Unknown
129. My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.
Unknown
130. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Unknown
131. Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that.
Ellen DeGeneres
Witty Sarcastic Remarks
132. Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.
Michael Levine
133. It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
Unknown
134. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap eight people at once.
Unknown
135. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns
136. What doesn’t kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor.
Unknown
137. Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.
Stephen Colbert
What is Sarcasm?
The definition of sarcasm is the use of irony, tempered by humor, to convey contempt or to mock. For example, if someone is struggling to pronounce a sentence correctly, you might make the sarcastic comment, “That’s easy for you to say!”
The key to using sarcasm is to know your audience. A good friend might find a sarcastic comment funny. Someone you don’t know might find the same type of comment rude.
Examples of sarcastic comments
Here are some examples of sarcastic comments:
A.) My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
B.) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
C.) You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
D.) Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
E.) Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
How To Use These Sarcastic Quotes
All these sarcastic quotes can help you in many different ways. For instance, the quotes on life will help you to understand the difficulties of life and laugh while understanding them.
They can also be a great means of throwing some shade or smack talk to your friends or family members who give you a hard time. Another great use of these quotes can be for the pictures you post on your social media accounts. These may even get hilarious reviews.
How to Respond to Sarcasm
There are a few ways to respond to sarcastic comments:
Ignore it. If the humor didn’t go over big, don’t feed the fire.
Build on it. Respond to sarcasm with a sarcastic comment of your own. Works well with folks you know well.
Smile and acknowledge the humor. You might win a friend in the process.
Walk away. End the argument before it starts.
Pause and repeat the comment (while looking at the person who made the comment). This is a good response to inappropriate sarcasm.
You be the judge. You’ll know the situation, the context, and the parties involved (usually). So, you’ll be in the best position to decide on the appropriate response.
You know, they say, “Sarcasm is like punching people in the face but with words,” and after writing these sarcastic quotes and comments all down, I have to say I agree. Have a great day!
By Liz Olson
Liz is a writer based in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
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