There is a reason why people love to hear funny quotes and sayings from comedians. It is a great way to get an escape from their mundane lives. However, funny sayings can do much more than just take you into a world of fantasy. Most of these quotes and phrases come from real world experiences. And many carry messages of wisdom in them.
Whether you want to bring a smile on someone’s face or want to give a deeper message, these funny quotes and sayings from famous men and women are the perfect way to go with. Share or recite these sayings and read them to have a great time yourself.
Funniest Quotes, Phrases and Sayings
- One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
George W. Bush
- If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
- Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- The evening news is where they start by saying ‘good evening’, and proceed by telling you why it’s not.
- It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living.
- If you want to look young and thin, hang around old, fat people.
- Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.
- It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.
- I worry whoever thought up the term ‘quality control’ thought if we didn’t control it, it would get out of hand.
- I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
- The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
- Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn’t mean he knows what it is.
- A Canadian psychologist is
selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
Jay Leno – See Jay on Facebook
- The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
- We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
- Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information.
Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding
- Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
- I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.
- I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
- Creditors have better memories than debtors.
- An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion a day keeps everyone away.
- Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office.
- Where there is a ‘will’, there are 500 relatives.
- A perfectly kept house is the sign of a misspent life.
Mary Randolph Carter
- Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.
- Fish and visitors stink after three days.
- A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple.
- A teacher’s job is to take a room full of live wires and make sure they are well grounded.
- Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top.
- A diplomat is one who thinks twice before saying nothing.
- Being young is a fault that diminishes daily.
- I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.
- Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.
- We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
- Join The Army. Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
- Don’t tell me the sky’s the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
- The key to eating healthy is
not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
- It is better to swallow words than to have to eat them later.
- Good judgment comes from experience, and experience … well, that comes from poor judgment.
- I don’t know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.
- When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
- How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
- I stopped fighting my inner demons, we’re on the same side now.
- If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?
- ‘We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
- A hotel minibar allows you to
see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.
- I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
- Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
- A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
Funny Quote of the Day
- The holiday season:
a deeply religious
time that each of us
observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Funny Quotes and Sayings
- I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism.
- Blessed is he that expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
- I never let my schooling interfere with my education.
- If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
- Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse can happen to you for the rest of the day.
- He’s so optimistic he’d buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants.
- I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.
- I have never killed a man but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
- Being president is like
running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.
- Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.
- Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.
- Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.
- Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
- The road to success is always under construction.
- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
- A day without laughter is a day wasted.
- If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.
- Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.
- Celebrate your successes. Find some humor in your failures.
- Smiling is definitely one of the best beauty remedies. If you have a good sense of humor and a good approach to life, that’s beautiful.
- Kindness and a generous spirit go a long way. And a sense of humor. It’s like medicine – very healing.
- From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
- Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
- Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
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