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Funny Quotes and Sayings

There is a reason why people love to hear funny quotes and sayings from comedians. It is a great way to escape from their mundane lives.

Most of these quotes and phrases come from real-world experiences. And many carry messages of wisdom in them.

Whether you want to bring a smile to someone’s face or convey a deeper message, these funny quotes and sayings from famous men and women are the perfect choice. Share or read these funny quotes yourself to have a great time.

If you’re in a hurry, we picked our top dozen to kick things off.

Funny Steve Wright quote.

Best Funny Quotes — The Poet’s Picks

1.) I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg

2.) It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
Steve Wright

3.) I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred-dollar bill.
Emo Philips

4.) They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home. There’s more to it than that.
Mitch Hedberg

5.) I’ve been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.
Steve Wright

6.) I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
Mitch Hedberg

7.) How many people have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips

8.) When we were driving over the border back into the United States, they asked me if I had any firearms. I said what do you need?
Steve Wright

9.) I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was a paperboy. (And,) I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses…or two dumpsters.
Mitch Hedberg

10.) I ran three miles today… finally, I said, “Lady, take your purse.”
Emo Philips

11.) My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

12.) Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Jack Benny

Funny quotes.

Funniest Quotes, Phrases, and Sayings

13.) One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
George W. Bush

14.) If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
Mitch Hedberg

15.) Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterward.
Benjamin Franklin

16.) Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Billy Sunday

17.) The evening news is where they start by saying ‘good evening’ and proceed by telling you why it’s not.
Unknown

18.) It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living.
John McDowell

19.) If you want to look young and thin, hang around old, fat people.
Jim Eason

20.) I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield

Amusing Quotes

21.) Some people just have a way with words, and other people – oh – not have way.
Steve Martin

22.) It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.
Unknown

23.) I worry whoever thought up the term ‘quality control’ thought if we didn’t control it, it would get out of hand.
Jane Wagner

24.) I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
Bonnie McFarlane

25.) The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
Mark Twain

26.) Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn’t mean he knows what it is.
Franz Kafka

27.) A Canadian psychologist is 
selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
Jay Leno – See Jay on Facebook

28.) The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
Unknown

29.) We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
Rita Rudner

Humorous sayings.

Humorous Phrases

30.) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Unknown

31.) Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information.
Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding

32.) Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
Bob Hope

33.) I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.
Stephan Bishop

34.) I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Sherrilyn Kenyon

35.) Creditors have better memories than debtors.
Benjamin Franklin

36.) An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion a day keeps everyone away.
Cassandra Chatfield

37.) Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office.
Shirley Maclaine

38.) Where there is a will, there are 500 relatives.
Unknown

39.) A perfectly kept house is a sign of a misspent life.
Mary Randolph Carter

40.) Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.
Unknown

Quotations funny.

Good Funny Quotations

41.) Fish and visitors stink after three days.
Benjamin Franklin

42.) A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple.
John Florio

43.) A teacher’s job is to take a room full of live wires and make sure they are well-grounded.
Unknown

44.) Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top.
Dave Barry

45.) A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
Unknown

46.) Being young is a fault that diminishes daily.
Swedish Proverb

47.) The only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.
Unknown

48.) Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.
Unknown

Funny dog on swing.

Hilarious Sayings

49.) We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
Paula Poundstone

50.) Join The Army. Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
Unknown

51.) Don’t tell me the sky’s the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
Paul Brandt

52.) The key to eating healthy is 
not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
Mike Birbiglia

53.) It is better to swallow words than to have to eat them later.
Franklin Roosevelt

54.) Good judgment comes from experience and experience… well, that comes from poor judgment.
A.A. Milne

55.) I don’t know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.
Robert Brault

56.) When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
Unknown

Comical

57.) How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
Jay Leno

58.) I stopped fighting my inner demons; we’re on the same side now.
Darynda Jones

59.) If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?
Jon Stewart

60.) We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
Jeff Marder

61.) A hotel minibar allows you to 
see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.
Rich Hall

62.) I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

63.) Sometimes, I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
Paul Rodriguez

64.) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Unknown

65.) You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
Zach Galifianakis

66.) A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
Unknown

67.) My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.
Tina Fey

Funny Quote of the Day

68.) The holiday season: a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Dave Barry

Knee-Slappers and-Side Splitters

69.) I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that, for me, it was basically cannibalism.
Rob O’Reilly

70.) Blessed is he that expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
Benjamin Franklin

71.) I never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Mark Twain

72.) If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin

73.) Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse can happen to you for the rest of the day.
Unknown

74.) He’s so optimistic he’d buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants.
Chuck Tanner

75.) I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.
Ronald Reagan

76.) I have never killed a man but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
Clarence Darrow

77.) Being president is like 
running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.
Bill Clinton

78.) Swimming is a confusing sport because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.
Demetri Martin

79.) Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.
Louis Grizzard

Short Funny Quotes

80.) Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.
Mark Twain

81.) Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.
Unknown

82.) The road to success is always under construction.
Lily Tomlin

83.) A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Unknown

84.) A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Charlie Chaplin

85.) All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. Charles M. Schulz

86.) The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana. 
Rose Nylund

87.) Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams

88.) Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.
Don Herold

Funny Quotes For the Intelligent

89.) If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.
Mahatma Gandhi

90.) Everything is funny as long as it’s happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers

91.) Celebrate your successes. Find some humor in your failures.
Sam Walton

92.) Smiling is definitely one of the best beauty remedies. If you have a good sense of humor and a good approach to life, that’s beautiful.
Rashida Jones

93.) Kindness and a generous spirit go a long way. And a sense of humor. It’s like medicine – very healing.
Max Irons

94.) From there to here and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
Dr. Seuss

95.) Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
Victor Borge

96.) Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Peter Ustinov

97.) Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.
Will Ferrell

98.) Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.
Mark Twain 

Family Funny Quotes

99.) There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Jerry Seinfeld

100.) Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

101.) Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov

102.) I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 
Rita Rudner

103.) Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.
P.J. O’Rourke

Laugh Out Loud

104.) In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
Fran Lebowitz

105.) I’m not superstitious…but I am a little stitious.
Michael Scott, The Office

106.) If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.
John Gotti

107.) You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
Joan Rivers

108.) I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.
Bill Gates 

109.) By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day.
Robert Frost

110.) The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
James Branch Cabel

Real Funny Quotes

111.) I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde.
Dolly Parton

112.) Sometimes, you lie in bed at night, and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!
Charlie Brown

I hope you enjoyed our collection of funny quotes and sayings.

By Michael O’Halloran

About Michael O'Halloran

Michael O’Halloran founded Greeting Card Poet in 2014 and has worked as its publisher and editor ever since. He has co-authored four books on kids’ trivia and authored four books on coaching. Previously, Michael was the president of Magnetic Poetry. He has invented and brought over 75 new gift and toy products to market, most dealing with wordplay. Mike is married and a father of four daughters.

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