There is a reason why people love to hear funny quotes and sayings from comedians. It is a great way to get an escape from their mundane lives. However, funny sayings can do much more than just take you into a world of fantasy. Most of these quotes and phrases come from real-world experiences. And many carry messages of wisdom in them.
Whether you want to bring a smile on someone’s face or want to give a deeper message, these funny quotes and sayings from famous men and women are the perfect way to go with. Share or read these funny quotes yourself to have a great time.
If you’re in a hurry, we picked our top dozen to kick things off.
Best Funny Quotes — The Poet’s Picks
1.) I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.
2.) It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
3.) I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
4.) They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home. There’s more to it than that.
5.) I’ve been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.
6.) I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
7.) How many people have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
8.) When we were driving over the border back into the United States, they asked me if I had any firearms. I said what do you need?
9.) I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was a paperboy. (And,) I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses…or two dumpsters.
10.) I ran three miles today… finally I said, “Lady, take your purse.”
11.) My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
12.) Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Funniest Quotes, Phrases, and Sayings
One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
George W. Bush
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
The evening news is where they start by saying ‘good evening’ and proceed by telling you why it’s not.
It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living.
If you want to look young and thin, hang around old, fat people.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.
It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.
I worry whoever thought up the term ‘quality control’ thought if we didn’t control it, it would get out of hand.
I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn’t mean he knows what it is.
A Canadian psychologist is
selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
Jay Leno – See Jay on Facebook
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information.
Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.
I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Creditors have better memories than debtors.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion a day keeps everyone away.
Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office.
Where there is a ‘will’, there are 500 relatives.
A perfectly kept house is the sign of a misspent life.
Mary Randolph Carter
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.
Good Funny Quotations
Fish and visitors stink after three days.
A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple.
A teacher’s job is to take a room full of live wires and make sure they are well-grounded.
Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top.
A diplomat is one who thinks twice before saying nothing.
Being young is a fault that diminishes daily.
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.
We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
Join The Army. Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
Don’t tell me the sky’s the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
The key to eating healthy is
not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
It is better to swallow words than to have to eat them later.
Good judgment comes from experience and experience… well, that comes from poor judgment.
I don’t know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.
When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
I stopped fighting my inner demons, we’re on the same side now.
If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?
We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
A hotel minibar allows you to
see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
Funny Quote of the Day
The holiday season:
a deeply religious
time that each of us
observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Knee-Slappers and-Side Splitters
I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism.
Blessed is he that expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
I never let my schooling interfere with my education.
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse can happen to you for the rest of the day.
He’s so optimistic he’d buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.
I have never killed a man but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
Being president is like
running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.
Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
The road to success is always under construction.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.
Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.
Celebrate your successes. Find some humor in your failures.
Smiling is definitely one of the best beauty remedies. If you have a good sense of humor and a good approach to life, that’s beautiful.
Kindness and a generous spirit go a long way. And a sense of humor. It’s like medicine – very healing.
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
— Mike O’Halloran
This collection of funny quotes was compiled by Mike, the founder, and editor of Greeting Card Poet. His comedic influences date back to Steve Martin, Johnny Carson, Rodney Dangerfield, and family dinner time conversations.
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