The best insults to serve up totally depend on the occasion. One must take extreme caring in knowing your audience and how aggressive you should be in delivery.
A good insult can stop people heckling you in their tracks. But, as with all put-downs, you’ll want to use these sparingly and among friends. The world is too small a place to make unwanted enemies.
When your audience knows you’re delivering the insult only with fun intentions, they’re much more likely to laugh along with you. So, make sure you smile and don’t say it with spite. The goal is to add to the fun, not take it away.
With those caveats noted, please have a read through.
Best Insults for All Occasions
1.) Zombies eat brains. You should be completely safe.
With tv shows like The Walking Dead and Game of Thrones and many smartphone games, Zombies have enjoyed a popularity surge like few others. Since most folks know about zombies penchant for brains, this put-down is quick and to the point — and topical.
2.) Mirrors don’t lie, and lucky for you, they don’t laugh.
After making fun of their lack of smarts with the zombie insult, your next approach is to take a shot at their appearance. This insult should do the trick. It pairs nicely with an occasion when your friend has purchased a new coat or shirt.
3.) You remind me of a penny — two-faced and not worth much.
When a friend has betrayed you in even a slight way, you can pull out this zinger. A comparison to a common object – in this case a penny – makes it easy for people to relate to it. The double-whammy of “two-faced” and “not worth much” makes this one particularly effective.
4.) Sorry, I don’t have the energy to pretend to be friends with you today.
Wow, this is a pretty impressive passive-aggressive slam. Essential this one-liner suggests that all along you’ve been pretending to be a friend. And, it takes a lot of energy to carry out this task. You best say this one with a smile on your face. “Friends” can be replaced with mother, brother, or daughter to deliver the same type of message. Again, say it with a kidding attitude so as not to burn bridges.
5.) If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and fall to your IQ.
So, we’re seeing a trend emerge. Why focus your insult on just one item if it’s easy enough to put some one down on two elements. Here, the insult takes a shot at big egos and small IQ’s.
6.) If you were the trophy at the end of the race I’d walk backward.
What can we say about this one? First of, seldom is a person used as a trophy. Nevertheless, this is still effective because people readily understand the concept of winning a ribbon or trophy at the end of races. The visual image of walking backwards away from the recipient of the insult is spot on.
7.) You look like something I drew with my left hand.
For those of us who are not good artists, this could qualify as going over the top with too-viscous an insult. Yet, it’s kind of funny. And, because we’ve all had that experience of drawing with our opposite hand, it’s very easy to relate to.
Best Insult Memes
8.) You’re like a software update… whenever I see you, I think, “Not now.”
Who isn’t just a little frustrated when they realize it’s time to update a piece of software that you’re accustomed to using? Apparently, this put-down was created by a developer, but it works for all of us that interact with computers or smartphones.
Check out more funny insults and comebacks.
9.) If you listen closely… you can hear me not caring at all.
This is a very functional insult because the times when you want to take folks down a notch is when they’re asking you to do something you don’t want to. This pairs well with a hand gesture to your ear and a softening of the voice. A pregnant pause after “closely” seals the deal.
10.) If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
When some folks are so locked into an opinion you can’t even reason with them, it’s time to pull out this oldie.
Check out our Good Put-downs page.
11.) You’re not the stupidest person on the planet but you sure better hope he doesn’t die.
Start off with a fake compliment and then let ‘er rip! This is one of the funniest put-downs you can use.
12.) Some day you’ll go far… and I hope you stay there.
This one might remind you of the old Vaudeville put-down, “You should be on stage… the next one leaves in 20 minutes.”
13.) If you ran like your mouth you’d win a gold medal.
The expression “running your mouth” seems to have always been around. And, that’s what makes this creative insult work.
14.) I don’t want to say you have a big forehead, but that’s a $20 Uber from your eyebrows to your hairline.
The “$20 Uber” makes this a modern and savage insult to those men with receding hairlines.
15.) They used to be called “Jumpolines” until your mother jumped on one.
Look, “your mother” jokes are a mainstay in the insult world. But this one just might be the best of them all. To call someone’s mom a tramp takes a certain level of provocation. So, be careful when using this one.
By Becca Strong
Becca writes about comedy, parenting, and entertainment.
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