Funny Insults and Comebacks
The following funny insults and comebacks should be used with great care and in good humor.
When friends are together and ribbing each other, you might occasionally be called on to defend yourself. It doesn’t hurt to have a witty comeback in your arsenal. That’s where these beauties can help.
10 Best Insults
1.) You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
2.) You’re impossible to underestimate.
3.) Of course, I talk like an idiot. How else could you understand me?
4.) Hey, you have something on your chin… no, the third one down.
5.) I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.
6.) In the land of the witless, you would be king.
7.) Stupidity is not a crime. So you’re free to go.
8.) If the year 2020 was a person, it would be you.
9.) If brains were dynamite, you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose.
10.) I’m sorry if you don’t like my honesty, but to be fair; I don’t like your lies.
Famous insulting exchanges
A.) I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend if you have one.
– George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill, Cannot possibly attend the first night, will attend second… if there is one.
– Winston Churchill to Bernard Shaw
B.) He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
– William Faulkner speaking about Ernest HemingwayDoes he really think big emotions come from big words?
– Ernest Hemingway, in response to William Faulkner
C.) Woman: If you were my husband, sir, I’d give you a dose of poison!
Man: If I were your husband, I’d take it.
Check out the Best Insults and Comebacks.
Throwing Shade Quotes
We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, the marriage lasted four and a half years.
Nick Faldo
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.
Unknown
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children.
King Edward VIII
His execution? I’m all for it.
Calvin Coolidge (about a singer’s musical performance)
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.
Milton Berle
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
Mae West
About half.
Pope John Paul XXIII (when asked how many people work in the Vatican)
If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
Margaret Thatcher
He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.
Billy Wilder
Prince Charles’s ears are so big; he could hang-glide over the Falklands!
Joan Rivers
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific!
Lily Tomlin
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.
Moses Hadas
I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.
Irvin S. Cobb
He has delusions of adequacy.
Walter Kerr
Check out Great Backhanded Compliments
In Your Face
You’re not the dumbest person on earth, but you sure better hope he doesn’t die.
Remember when I asked for your opinion? Yeah, me neither.
You’re the reason no one likes you.
You’re a lot like Rapunzel, except instead of letting your hair down, you let down everyone in your life.
I think… therefore, we have nothing in common.
Famous insults
Certain writers, performers, and comedians have shown a talent for delivering a good insult throughout the years. Check out these notables.
Mark Twain
The trouble ain’t there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.
One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bonafide stupidity, there ain’t nothing can beat teamwork.
I could never learn to like her except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress, but I repeat myself.
France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks, it is a fine country.
Dorothy Parker
She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.
The woman speaks eight languages and can’t say “no” in any of them.
Their pooled emotions wouldn’t fill a teaspoon.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Conan O’Brien
Sarah Palin met with world leaders to discuss her foreign policy expertise. The meeting lasted 90 seconds.
I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life unless Jay Leno wants to do it too.
Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, “Jesus! This cup is expensive!”
Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn’t in their neighborhood.
John Travolta said he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don’t know what they’re doing. Then Travolta said he often does the same thing with his career.
Don Rickles
Funny insults and humorous put-downs were Don Rickles’ stock and trade, you hockey puck!
I’m delighted that you have a show because you’re fresh, you’re funny, you’re great. And I want you to know something from my heart: I never liked you. (to Jimmy Fallon)
When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don’t mind, but he has it in his back pocket. (on Frank Sinatra)
Eddie Fisher, married to Elizabeth Taylor, is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap. (on Elizabeth Taylor)
Italians are fantastic people, really. They can work you over in an alley while singing an opera.
William Shakespeare
The tautness of his face sours ripe grapes.
O me, you juggler, you canker-blossom, you thief of love!
You blocks, you stones, you worse than senseless things!
Out of my sight! Thou dost infect mine eyes.
Oscar Wilde Insults
He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends.
Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
She is a peacock in everything but beauty!
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog made his fame on the Conan O’Brien show.
I kid, Conan, I kid. You got a good show… For me to poop on. (to Conan O’Brien)
Are you a separatist?… Maybe you should try separating yourself from donuts first. (to an overweight man)
Pardon me; I only know your basic french expressions like ‘I surrender.’ (to a French-speaking person)
So you’re acting now; you’re in a vampire movie, yes? That’s good. Finally, a role that requires you to suck. (to Bon Jovi)
That’s the Lhasa-Oprah. I’m pretty sure. It’s either that or the Roker-Spaniel. (on which breed of dog is the heaviest)
So this is to help you breathe, yes? (points to man in costume’s chest plate) And which of these buttons calls your parents to pick you up? (to man dressed as Darth Vader)
Check out our Good Insults page below.
Groucho Marx
The master of funny insults, quick wit, and the knowing glance.
I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll make an exception.
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
I have nothing but respect for you -and not much of that.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
I’ve got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
I had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
Insult FAQs
Definition: what is an insult?
An insult is a statement or an expression that is rude, scornful, or disrespectful. An insult might also be described as a roast, ridicule, throwing shade, or a zinger.
What is a backhanded insult?
A backhanded insult is a compliment in the form of an insult, often used by someone who wants to be nice but doesn’t want to be seen as weak. For example, “She is the least attractive of all the supermodels.”
How to respond to an insult?
Here are four ways you can respond to an insult:
1. Be ready with a good comeback. Use this list for great ideas!
2. Self-deprecate. You’ll de-escalate the insult and look cool doing it.
3. Avoid engaging in the back-and-forth. When you refuse to ‘play the game’ — you win.
4. Brush it off. Don’t take it personally. Let it roll off your back. For additional perspective on how to handle insults, we wrap this discussion up with these wise words from Brigham Young: “He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when the offense is intended is a greater fool.”
We hope you enjoyed these funny insults, and let us know if you have others to add to our list.
By Mike O’Halloran
Mike is the founder and editor of Greeting Card Poet.
You’re on the Funny Insults and Comebacks page.
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