Looking for the best dad jokes to embarrass your kids?
This list of the best dad jokes covers all questionable dad humor from corny and awful to downright cringe-worthy. Look, you should expect some groans.
Surely any upstanding father figure and aspiring humorist would be proud to deliver these lines to an unsuspecting audience. Check out these awful and awesome dad jokes. Select a few, and then try them out on your next victims. As they say, remember always to leave them laughing!
Top 10 best funny dad jokes
1.) When you ask a dad if he’s all right: “No, I’m half left.”
2.) What do you call someone with nobody and no nose? Nobody knows.
3.) A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
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4.) Restaurant server: “Sorry about your wait.” Dad: “Are you saying I’m fat?”
5.) If you see a robbery at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?
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6.) Grocery Store Checker: “Paper or plastic?” Dad: “Either, I’m bisacktual.”
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7.) Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!
8.) Can February March? No, but April May!
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9.) I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
10.) I used to have a job at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I took a couple of days off.
Clean dad jokes you can tell your kids
11.) What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
12.) Why did the crab never share? Because he’s shellfish.
13.) Kid: “Hey, I was thinking.” Dad: “I thought I smelled something burning.”
14.) Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
15.) When a dad drives past a cow pasture: LOOK! That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field!
16.) I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
17.) When you ask a dad if they got a haircut: “No, I got them all cut!”
18.) What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na.
19.) What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.
20.) I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, “But dad, your name is Brian.” I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”
21.) I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!
Corny dad jokes
22.) What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
23.) What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!
24.) A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bartender here?”
25.) Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!
26.) What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!
27.) Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
28.) Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint!
29.) What do Santa’s elves listen to ask they work? Wrap music!
30.) Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!
31.) The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to shout, “Donald, duck!”
32.) What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS!”
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Awful dad jokes for a quick laugh
33.) Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!
34.) 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
35.) I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
36.) What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!
37.) Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
38.) What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.
39.) Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
40.) My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home!
41.) Did you know that’s a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
42.) How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
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43.) What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
44.) What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory.
45.) I’m so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!
46.) What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it’s ground beef.
47.) Store cashier: “Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?” Dad: “No, just leave it in the carton!’”
48.) How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
49.) What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto!
50.) My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?” And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
51.) Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
52.) I know a lot of jokes about retired people, but none of them work!
Embarrassing dad jokes to unleash on your family
53.) Why couldn’t the bike stand up by itself? It was two tired.
54.) What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
55.) Mom: “How do I look” Dad: “With your eyes.”
56.) Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
57.) You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.
58.) Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe!
59.) How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!
60.) What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!
61.) What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino.
62.) If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Bad puns… Ughh
63.) The fattest knight at KingArthur’ss round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
64.) How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
65.) What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
66.) What did the horse say after it tripped? “Help! I’ve fallen, and I can’t giddyup.”
67.) Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!
68.) Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind… it’s tearable.
69.) Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
70.) Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!
71.) Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
72.) I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw!
73.) A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
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74.) I watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!
75.) I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
76.) I placed in the sun tanning Olympics. I just got bronze.
77.) Crime in multi-story parking ramps is wrong on so many levels.
78.) Here’s a photo of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.
79.) Do Transformers get car or life insurance?
80.) Jumper cables walked into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you but don’t start anything.”
81.) Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The wedding was good, and the reception was brilliant!
82.) A month before he passed away, my grandfather had his back covered in butter. After that, he went downhill fast.
83.) A man just assaulted me with milk, butter, and cream. How dairy!
84.) Thanks for explaining the word “more” to me. It means a lot.
85.) Do you think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
Dumb Dad Jokes
86.) What do dentists call X-rays?
87.) Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was intense!
88.) I told my wife I made a car out of spaghetti. She didn’t believe me until I drove pasta.
89.) What did the guy say when he introduced his parents to his girlfriend, who was a hamburger?
Mom and Dad, meet Patty.
90.) I broke my ring finger the other day.
On the other hand, I’m okay.
91.) I tried to catch the fog yesterday.
92.) Your mother told me I was a juvenile.
I told her to get out of my fort.
93.) Someone stole my mood ring. I don’t know how I feel about that.
94.) Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don’t work.
95.) I entered ten puns in a contest hoping one would win.
But, no pun in ten did.
96.) What do you call a fake noodle?
97.) Whycouldn’ttt the bicycle stand on its own?
It was too tired.
98.) How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together!
99.) Last night, I dreamt that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
It was a Fanta sea.
100.) Did the police force catch the robber who is only stealing tires off squad cars?
No, but they’re working tirelessly to figure it out.
101.) I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
Cheesy Dad Jokes
102.) A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. That’s one too many! says the customer. The clerk replies ‘It’s a freebie.
103.) Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use a honeycomb.
104.) I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.
105.) Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I’m not going to spread it!
106.) What do you call an illegally parked frog?
107.) What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
108.) What did the police officer say to his belly-button?
You’re under a vest.
109.) My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
110.) What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two.
111.) How do celebrities stay cool?
They have many fans.
112.) I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust.
Silly Dad Jokes
113.) I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
114.) How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?
You follow the fresh prints.
115.) Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
116.) How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
117.) What do you call a hippie’s wife?
118.) What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
119.) The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.
Putting your dad jokes telling to the test
Now that you’re armed and ready with the perfect dad joke, here’s what you need to do. Test out your new lines on your kids, nephews, nieces, and grandkids. After all, they are called dad jokes for a reason. You’ll get all kinds of reactions, from laughter to eye rolls.
Never get caught short-handed. Always have a handful of lines ready for any occasion. Are you chaperoning the school dance? Perfect! Do you have the guys over to watch football? Yes! Interruptingyourwife’sss book club? Bravo! There’s no better time to drop a Dad-Licious line for maximum effect.
Remember, if you tell dad jokes and you have no children, you’re a faux pa.
By Greg Johnson and MikeO’Hallorannn
Greg’s and Mike’s humor was developed from watching great TV shows like Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show, The David Letterman Show, and Saturday Night Live (SNL). And yes, on occasion, they will pull out their dad joke repertoire. Plan your escape routes early if you sit down with them.
You’re on the 73 Best Dad Jokes page.
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