They say the more you laugh, the longer you live. With that logic, these hilarious quotes can certainly add more hours to your life. Laughter is often touted as the best medicine for good health and a sense of humor can get you through some tough spots. You don’t need a reason to laugh, yet most people find it hard to get any time to indulge in mirth and joy for even a few minutes in a day.
Here are some very funny quotes, by famous men and women, which will certainly bring a smile on your lips or a chuckle. Share with friends and loved ones or read these funny quotes to yourself for fun. Let’s start with the best of the best.
Most Hilarious Quotes
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them and have their shoes.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis
Half the people in Hollywood are dying to be discovered and the other half are afraid they will be.
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Of course, women don’t work as hard as men. They get it right the first time.
I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.
Frank Lloyd Wright
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Hilarious Quotes with Pictures
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
Franklin P. Jones
I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said ‘Parking Fine’.
Funny Short Quotes
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
Beer is the reason I get out of bed every afternoon.
I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side.
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
The public will believe anything, so long as it is not founded on truth.
Dame Edith Sitwell
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Some people just need a high-five in the face with a chair.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them as much.
The truth will set you free, but first, it will piss you off.
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.
First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.
James Holt McGavra
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ’many’; and ’tics ’ meaning ’bloodsucking creatures’.
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Quote of the Day to Make you Laugh
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Some people aren’t just missing the odd screw. The whole freakin’ toolbox is gone.
I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.
If the dead talk to you, you are a spiritualist; if God talks to you, you are a schizophrenic.
True friends don’t judge each other. They judge people together.
Marry the one who gives you the same feeling you get when you see food coming at a restaurant.
I believe in the discipline of silence and could talk for hours about it.
George Bernard Shaw
Women spend their whole life to find the right man just to tell him every day that he is wrong.
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Funny Facebook Quotes
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, electrons, and neutrons. They forget to mention morons.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
Our family is just one tent away from a full-blown circus.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
Just because I give you advice, it doesn’t mean I know more than you, it just means I’ve done more stupid shit.
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
Cindy from Marzahn
You don’t have to be smart to laugh at farts but you have to be stupid not to.
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
I was so drunk, I thought a tube of toothpaste was astronaut food.
Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
I bet giraffes don’t even know what farts smell like.
Tip: These hilarious quotes make great photo captions on Facebook.
Hilarious Quotes and Catch Phrases
Marriage, the proof of the existence of cosmic humor!
My level of maturity depends on who I’m with.
Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
You can’t make everybody happy. You aren’t a jar of Nutella.
You don’t know what you have until it’s gone. For example, toilet paper.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
You are going to be fine, you come from a strong line of lunatics.
When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.
— Mike O’Halloran
Mike, an author, and editor of Greeting Card Poet believes that laughter is the best medicine.
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