They say the more you laugh, the longer you live. With that logic, these hilarious quotes can certainly add more hours to your life. Laughter is often touted as the best medicine for good health. You don’t need a reason to laugh, yet most people find it hard to get any time to indulge in mirth and joy for even a few minutes in a day.
Here are some hilarious quotes, by famous men and women, which will certainly bring a smile on your lips or a chuckle. Share with friends and loved ones or read these funny quotes to yourself to spend some great time.
Humorous Quotes and Sayings
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis
Half the people in Hollywood are dying to be discovered and the other half are afraid they will be.
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Of course women don’t work as hard as men. They get it right the first time.
I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.
Frank Lloyd Wright
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Hilarious Quotes with Pictures
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
Franklin P. Jones
I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said ‘Parking Fine’.
Funny Short Quotes
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Beer is the reason I get out of bed every afternoon.
I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side.
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
The public will believe anything, so long as it is not founded on truth.
Dame Edith Sitwell
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Some people just need a high-five in the face with a chair.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention.
Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ’many’; and ’tics ’ meaning ’bloodsucking creatures’.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them as much.
The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.
James Holt McGavra
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Quote of the Day to make you Laugh
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Some people aren’t just missing the odd screw. The whole freakin’ tool box is gone.
If the dead talk to you, you are a spiritualist; if God talks to you, you are a schizophrenic.
True friends don’t judge each other. They judge people together.
Marry the one who gives you the same feeling you get when you see food coming at a restaurant.
I believe in the discipline of silence, and could talk for hours about it.
George Bernard Shaw
Women spend their whole life to find the right man just to tell him everyday that he is wrong.
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Funny Facebook Quotes
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, electrons and neutrons. They forget to mention morons.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
Our family is just one tent away from a full-blown circus.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
Just because I give you advice, it doesn’t mean I know more than you, it just means I’ve done more stupid shit.
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
Cindy from Marzahn
You don’t have to be smart to laugh at farts but you have to be stupid not to.
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
I was so drunk, I thought a tube of toothpaste was astronaut food.
Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
I bet giraffes don’t even know what farts smell like.
Tip: These hilarious quotes make great photo captions on Facebook.
Humorous Catch Phrases
Marriage, the proof of the existence of cosmic humor!
My level of maturity depends on who I’m with.
Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
You can’t make everybody happy. You aren’t a jar of nutella.
You don’t know what you have until it’s gone. For example, toilet paper.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
You are going to be fine, you come from a strong line of lunatics.
When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.
You’re on Hilarious Quotes to Tickle Your Funny Bone.
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