Funny Birthday Quotes
Funny birthday quotes for cards, letters, notes, Facebook posts, emails, texts, and more. Choose a favorite quotation and combine it with a birthday wish for a winning combination.
See the menu at bottom of the page for more birthday-related pages. And, now, the best of the funny birthday quotes.
The Best, Funny Birthday Quotes
1.) Middle age occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old to rush up to the net.
Franklin Pierce Adams
2.) Inside every older person is a younger person – wondering what the hell happened.
Cora Harvey Armstrong
3.) Of late I appear to have reached that stage when people who look old
who are only my age.
Richard Armour
4.) Time is a dressmaker specializing in alterations.
Faith Baldwin
5.) The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Lucille Ball
6.) To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
Bernard Baruch
7.) The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
E. Joseph Cossman
8.) The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you’ll grow out of it.
Doris Day
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Hilarious
9.) One compensation of old age is that it excuses you from picnics.
William Feather
10.) Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning.
Bob Hope
11.) Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
Ogden Nash
12.) How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
Satchel Paige
13.) We are so fond of one another because our ailments are the same.
Jonathon Swift
14.) You’ve heard of the three ages of man – youth, age, and “you are looking wonderful.”
Francis Cardinal Spellman
15.) When I was young, the Dead Sea was still alive.
George Burns
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Amusing Quotes
16.) I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
Bernard M. Baruch
17.) Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
Rev. Larry Lorenzoni
18.) Don’t regret another birthday, the good news is that you are alive and can celebrate it.
Kate Summers
19.) As you get older, though, you realize there are fire extinguishers. You do have an ability to control the flames.
Unknown
20.) With mirth and laughter, let old wrinkles come.
William Shakespeare
21.) They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.
Unknown
22.) There are two great days in a person’s life – the day we are born and the day we discover why.
William Barclay
23.) Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.
Unknown
Funny Birthday Quotes for Sister
24.) Thirty-five is a very attractive age; London society is full of women who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years.
Maurice Chevalier
25.) They tell you that you’ll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don’t tell you is that you won’t miss it very much.
Malcolm Cowley
26.) Middle Age: When you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms.
Georges Clemenceau
27.) I’m six foot eleven. My birthday covers three days.
Darryl Dawkins
28.) The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.
T.S. Eliot
29.) Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.
Jim Fiebig
30.) You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
Ogden Nash
31.) If you survive long enough, you’re revered — rather like an old building.
Katherine Hepburn
32.) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Groucho Marx
Silly Birthday Quotes
33.) You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Bob Hope
34.) Just remember, once you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
Charles Schultz
35.) The first hundred years are the hardest.
Wilson Mizner
36.) Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.
Moe (The Simpsons)
37.) If you’re yearning for the good old days, just turn off the air conditioning.
Griff Niblack
38.) At least you’re not as old as you will be next year.
Unknown
39.) Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.
Billie Burke
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Funny Happy Birthday Quotes for Friends
40.) I was brought up to respect my elders, and now I don’t have to respect anyone.
George Burns
41.) Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
Bob Hope
42.) A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
Groucho Marx
43.) Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you have not committed.
Anthony Powell
44.) Every man over forty is a scoundrel.
George Bernard Shaw
45.) Life begins at 40
Sophie Tucker
46.) I’m not aging, I’m marinating.
Unknown
47.) Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
Unknown
48.) Middle age is when a man is warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.
Unknown
HBD Funny for that Special Day
49.) Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.
Unknown
50.) Middle age is when you have the choice of two temptations, and you choose the one that will get you home earlier.
Unknown
51.) Be kind to your kids; they’ll be choosing your nursing home.
Unknown
52.) If things get better with age, then you’re approaching outstanding.
Unknown
53.) The high cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
Unknown
54.) You have the wisdom of the ages, but it doesn’t show.
Unknown
55.) Wrinkles are the service stripes of life
Unknown
56.) All the world is birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much.
George Harrison
57.) Youth is a gift of nature but age is a work of art.
Stanislaw Lec
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Hysterical Birthday Quotes
58.) Pull out a gray hair, and seven will come to its funeral.
Dutch Proverb
59.) Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.
Unknown
60.) A man is getting old when he walks around a puddle instead of through it.
Unknown
61.) Life is one big canvas; throw all the paint you can at it.
Danny Kaye
62.) Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you didn’t commit.
Anthony Powell
63.) The older you get, the faster you ran as a kid.
Steve Owen
64.) Never let yesterday use up too much of today.
Will Rogers
65.) I’m in pretty good shape for the shape I’m in.
Mickey Rourke
66.) Middle age is when your classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald they don’t recognize you.
Oscar Wilde
67.) The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything.
Oscar Wilde
68.) I intend to live forever — so far, so good!
Stephen Wright
Funny Birthday Wishes for a Birthday Card
69.) When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
Mark Twain
70.) Just remember, once you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
Charles Schultz
71.) If things get better with age, then you’re approaching magnificent!
John Grier
72.) The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.
Robert Orben
73.) Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night, and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you.
Ogden Nash
Funny Birthday Messages
74.) Mom, don’t worry about your age. You are younger than your next birthday. Cheers to another year!
75.) On your big day, I wish for you; happiness, friendship, honor, and many blessings. All the stuff that doesn’t cost me anything. Have a wonderful birthday!
76.) If anyone calls you old, throw your teeth at them. Happy birthday old man.
77.) I hope you have a great birthday party and that you can remember it tomorrow! Happy Birthday to the best friend ever.
78.) With all the candles on your cake, I hope someone alerted the fire department. Congratulations!
79.) Happy birthday to the only person who will be truly honest with me when my outfit is not working. Have a very happy birthday!
Clever Birthday Quotes
80.) Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard, there is nothing you can do about it.
Golda Meir
81.) Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs.
Kin Hubbard
82.) A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
Robert Frost
83.) Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.
Tom Wilson
84.) Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
Jack Benny
85.) Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.
Kitty Collins
86.) Live as long as you may. The first twenty years are the longest half of your life.
Robert Southey
87.) For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.
John Glenn
Birthday Quotes that make you smile
88.) Vintage, not old.
Unknown
89.) I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
Phyllis Diller
90.) Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.
Dave Barry
91.) The older you get, the better you get, unless you are a banana.
Betty White
92.) Like many women my age, I am 28 years old.
Mary Schmich
93.) If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.
Eubie Blake
94.) Inside every older person is a younger person—wondering what the hell happened.
Jennifer Yane
95.) Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
John Glenn
96.) After 30, a body has a mind of its own.
Bette Midler
97.) You’re in mint condition for a vintage model. Happy Birthday.
Catherine Pulsifer
98.) They say that age is all in your mind. the trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.
Unknown
99.) A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.
Muhammad Ali
100.) Live your life and forget your age.
Norman Vincent Peale
Etcetera
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