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Funny Birthday Quotes

Check out our funny birthday quotes for cards, letters, notes, Facebook posts, emails, texts, etc.

Choose a favorite quotation and combine it with a birthday wish for a winning combination.

See the menu at the bottom of the page for more birthday-related pages. And, now, the best of our funny birthday quotes. Please use the menu directly below or just continue to scroll down.

best funny birthday quotes.

The Best, Funny Birthday Quotes

1.) Middle age occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old to rush up to the net.
Franklin Pierce Adams

2.) Inside every older person is a younger person – wondering what the hell happened.
Cora Harvey Armstrong

3.) Of late, I appear to have reached that stage when people who look old who are only my age.
Richard Armour

4.) Time is a dressmaker specializing in alterations.
Faith Baldwin

5.) The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Lucille Ball

6.) To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
Bernard Baruch

7.) The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
E. Joseph Cossman

8.) The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you’ll grow out of it.
Doris Day

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Vintage, not old.


9.) One compensation of old age is that it excuses you from picnics.
William Feather

10.) Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning.
Bob Hope

11.) Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
Ogden Nash

12.) How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
Satchel Paige

13.) We are so fond of one another because our ailments are the same.
Jonathon Swift

14.) You’ve heard of the three ages of man – youth, age, and “you are looking wonderful.”
Francis Cardinal Spellman

15.) When I was young, the Dead Sea was still alive.
George Burns

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Amusing Quotes

16.) I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
Bernard M. Baruch

17.) Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
Rev. Larry Lorenzoni

18.) Don’t regret another birthday; the good news is that you are alive and can celebrate it.
Kate Summers

19.) As you get older, though, you realize there are fire extinguishers. You do have the ability to control the flames.

20.) With mirth and laughter, let old wrinkles come.
William Shakespeare

21.) They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.

22.) There are two great days in a person’s life – the day we are born and the day we discover why.
William Barclay

23.) Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.

Funny Birthday Quotes.

Funny Birthday Quotes for Sister

24.) Thirty-five is a very attractive age; London society is full of women who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years.
Maurice Chevalier

25.) They tell you that you’ll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don’t tell you is that you won’t miss it very much.
Malcolm Cowley

26.) Middle Age: When you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms.
Georges Clemenceau

27.) I’m six foot eleven. My birthday covers three days.
Darryl Dawkins

28.) The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.
T.S. Eliot

29.) Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.
Jim Fiebig

30.) You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
Ogden Nash

31.) If you survive long enough, you’re revered — rather like an old building.
Katherine Hepburn

32.) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Groucho Marx

Silly Birthday Quotes

33.) You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Bob Hope

34.) Age is but a number. Mine happens to be unlisted.

35.) The first hundred years are the hardest.
Wilson Mizner

36.) Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.
Moe (The Simpsons)

37.) If you’re yearning for the good old days, just turn off the air conditioning.
Griff Niblack

38.) At least you’re not as old as you will be next year.

39.) Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese.
Billie Burke

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Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake quote.

Funny Happy Birthday Quotes for Friends

40.) I was brought up to respect my elders, and now I don’t have to respect anyone.
George Burns

41.) Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
Bob Hope

42.) A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
Groucho Marx

43.) Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you have not committed.
Anthony Powell

44.) Every man over forty is a scoundrel.
George Bernard Shaw

45.) Life begins at 40.
Sophie Tucker

46.) I’m not aging; I’m marinating.

47.) Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

48.) Middle age is when a man is warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.

HBD Funny for that Special Day

49.) Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.

50.) Middle age is when you have the choice of two temptations, and you choose the one that will get you home earlier.

51.) Be kind to your kids; they’ll be choosing your nursing home.

52.) If things get better with age, then you’re approaching outstanding.

53.) The high cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

54.) You have the wisdom of the ages, but it doesn’t show.

55.) Wrinkles are the service stripes of life

56.) All the world is birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much.
George Harrison

57.) Youth is a gift of nature but age is a work of art.
Stanislaw Lec

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Hysterical Birthday Quotes

58.) Pull out a gray hair, and seven will come to its funeral.
Dutch Proverb

59.) Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.

60.) A man is getting old when he walks around a puddle instead of through it.

61.) Life is one big canvas; throw all the paint you can at it.
Danny Kaye

62.) Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you didn’t commit.
Anthony Powell

63.) The older you get, the faster you ran as a kid.
Steve Owen

64.) Never let yesterday use up too much of today.
Will Rogers

65.) I’m in pretty good shape for the shape I’m in.
Mickey Rourke

66.) Middle age is when your classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald they don’t recognize you.
Oscar Wilde

67.) The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything.
Oscar Wilde

68.) I intend to live forever — so far, so good!
Stephen Wright

Funny Birthday Wishes for a Birthday Card

69.) When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
Mark Twain

70.) Just remember, once you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
Charles Schultz

71.) If things get better with age, then you’re approaching magnificent!
John Grier

72.) The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.
Robert Orben

73.) Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night, and the telephone rings, and you hope it isn’t for you.
Ogden Nash

Funny Birthday Messages

74.) Mom, don’t worry about your age. You are younger than your next birthday. Cheers to another year!

75.) On your big day, I wish for you; happiness, friendship, honor, and many blessings. All the stuff that doesn’t cost me anything. Have a wonderful birthday!

76.) If anyone calls you old, throw your teeth at them. Happy birthday old man.

77.) I hope you have a great birthday party and that you can remember it tomorrow! Happy Birthday to the best friend ever.

78.) With all the candles on your cake, I hope someone alerted the fire department. Congratulations!

79.) Happy birthday to the only person who will be truly honest with me when my outfit is not working. Have a very happy birthday!

Clever and Funny Birthday Quotes

80.) Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard, there is nothing you can do about it.
Golda Meir

81.) Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs.
Kin Hubbard

82.) A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
Robert Frost

83.) Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.
Tom Wilson

84.) Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
Jack Benny

85.) Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.
Kitty Collins

86.) Live as long as you may. The first twenty years are the longest half of your life.
Robert Southey

87.) For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.
John Glenn

Birthday Quotes that make you smile

88.) Vintage, not old.

89.) I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
Phyllis Diller

90.) Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.
Dave Barry

91.) The older you get, the better you get unless you are a banana.
Betty White

92.) Like many women my age, I am 28 years old.
Mary Schmich

93.) If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.
Eubie Blake

94.) Inside every older person is a younger person—wondering what the hell happened.
Jennifer Yane

95.) Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
John Glenn

96.) After 30, a body has a mind of its own.
Bette Midler

97.) Vintage — not old!

98.) They say that age is all in your mind. the trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.

Fun Insights on Birthdays

99.) A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.
Muhammad Ali

100.) Live your life and forget your age.
Norman Vincent Peale

101.) Just remember, once you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
Arthur Schopenhauer

102.) Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
Mark Twain

Funny Birthday Quotes FAQ

Here are some frequently asked questions about funny birthday quotes.

What did Lucille Ball say about growing old?

Lucille Ball said, “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”

What are a couple of funny birthday quotes?

Bernard Baruch said, “To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.” E. Joseph Cossman said, “The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.”

What is a funny birthday caption?

Try the Arthur Schopenhauer line, “Just remember, once you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.”

Closing Thoughts

Hopefully, these funny birthday jokes will enliven your birthday celebrations.

Always keep your audience (and their sense of humor) in mind when selecting your birthday messages. You don’t want to offend anyone.

By Michael O’Halloran

Michael is the founder and editor of Greeting Card Poet.


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