Funny birthday quotes for cards, letters, notes, Facebook posts, emails, texts, and more. Choose a favorite quotation and combine it with a birthday wish for a winning combination.
See the menu at bottom of the page for more birthday-related pages. And, now, the best of the funny birthday quotes.
The Best, Funny Birthday Quotes
1.) Middle age occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old to rush up to the net.
Franklin Pierce Adams
2.) Inside every older person is a younger person – wondering what the hell happened.
Cora Harvey Armstrong
3.) Of late I appear to have reached that stage when people who look old
who are only my age.
4.) Time is a dressmaker specializing in alterations.
5.) The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
6.) To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
7.) The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
E. Joseph Cossman
8.) The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you’ll grow out of it.
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9.) One compensation of old age is that it excuses you from picnics.
10.) Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning.
11.) Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
12.) How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
13.) We are so fond of one another because our ailments are the same.
14.) You’ve heard of the three ages of man – youth, age, and “you are looking wonderful.”
Francis Cardinal Spellman
15.) When I was young, the Dead Sea was still alive.
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16.) I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
Bernard M. Baruch
17.) Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
Rev. Larry Lorenzoni
18.) Don’t regret another birthday, the good news is that you are alive and can celebrate it.
19.) As you get older, though, you realize there are fire extinguishers. You do have an ability to control the flames.
20.) With mirth and laughter, let old wrinkles come.
21.) They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.
22.) There are two great days in a person’s life – the day we are born and the day we discover why.
23.) Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.
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24.) Thirty-five is a very attractive age; London society is full of women who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years.
25.) They tell you that you’ll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don’t tell you is that you won’t miss it very much.
26.) Middle Age: When you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms.
27.) I’m six foot eleven. My birthday covers three days.
28.) The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.
29.) Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.
30.) You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
31.) If you survive long enough, you’re revered — rather like an old building.
32.) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Silly Birthday Quotes
33.) You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
34.) Just remember, once you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
35.) The first hundred years are the hardest.
36.) Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.
Moe (The Simpsons)
37.) If you’re yearning for the good old days, just turn off the air conditioning.
38.) At least you’re not as old as you will be next year.
39.) Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.
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40.) I was brought up to respect my elders, and now I don’t have to respect anyone.
41.) Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
42.) A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
43.) Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you have not committed.
44.) Every man over forty is a scoundrel.
George Bernard Shaw
45.) Life begins at 40
46.) I’m not aging, I’m marinating.
47.) Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
48.) Middle age is when a man is warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.
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49.) Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.
50.) Middle age is when you have the choice of two temptations, and you choose the one that will get you home earlier.
51.) Be kind to your kids; they’ll be choosing your nursing home.
52.) If things get better with age, then you’re approaching outstanding.
53.) The high cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
54.) You have the wisdom of the ages, but it doesn’t show.
55.) Wrinkles are the service stripes of life
56.) All the world is birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much.
57.) Youth is a gift of nature but age is a work of art.
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Hysterical Birthday Quotes
58.) Pull out a gray hair, and seven will come to its funeral.
59.) Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.
60.) A man is getting old when he walks around a puddle instead of through it.
61.) Life is one big canvas; throw all the paint you can at it.
62.) Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you didn’t commit.
63.) The older you get, the faster you ran as a kid.
64.) Never let yesterday use up too much of today.
65.) I’m in pretty good shape for the shape I’m in.
66.) Middle age is when your classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald they don’t recognize you.
67.) The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything.
68.) I intend to live forever — so far, so good!
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69.) When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
70.) Just remember, once you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
71.) If things get better with age, then you’re approaching magnificent!
72.) The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.
73.) Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night, and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you.
Funny Birthday Messages
74.) Mom, don’t worry about your age. You are younger than your next birthday. Cheers to another year!
75.) On your big day, I wish for you; happiness, friendship, honor, and many blessings. All the stuff that doesn’t cost me anything. Have a wonderful birthday!
76.) If anyone calls you old, throw your teeth at them. Happy birthday old man.
77.) I hope you have a great birthday party and that you can remember it tomorrow! Happy Birthday to the best friend ever.
78.) With all the candles on your cake, I hope someone alerted the fire department. Congratulations!
79.) Happy birthday to the only person who will be truly honest with me when my outfit is not working. Have a very happy birthday!
Clever Birthday Quotes
80.) Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard, there is nothing you can do about it.
81.) Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs.
82.) A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
83.) Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.
84.) Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
85.) Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.
86.) Live as long as you may. The first twenty years are the longest half of your life.
87.) For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.
Birthday Quotes that make you smile
88.) Vintage, not old.
89.) I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
90.) Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.
91.) The older you get, the better you get, unless you are a banana.
92.) Like many women my age, I am 28 years old.
93.) If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.
94.) Inside every older person is a younger person—wondering what the hell happened.
95.) Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
96.) After 30, a body has a mind of its own.
97.) You’re in mint condition for a vintage model. Happy Birthday.
98.) They say that age is all in your mind. the trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.
99.) A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.
100.) Live your life and forget your age.
Norman Vincent Peale
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