Funny Birthday Quotes

Funny birthday quotes for cards, letters, notes, Facebook posts, emails, texts, and more. Choose a favorite quotation and combine it with a birthday wish for a winning combination.

See the menu at bottom of the page for more birthday-related pages. And, now, the best of the funny birthday quotes.

The Best, Funny Birthday Quotes

Middle age occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old to rush up to the net.
Franklin Pierce Adams

Inside every older person is a younger person – wondering what the hell happened.
Cora Harvey Armstrong

Of late I appear to have reached that stage when people who look old
who are only my age.
Richard Armour

Time is a dressmaker specializing in alterations.
Faith Baldwin

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Lucille Ball

To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
Bernard Baruch

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
E. Joseph Cossman

The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you’ll grow out of it.
Doris Day

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One compensation of old age is that it excuses you from picnics.
William Feather

Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning.
Bob Hope

Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
Ogden Nash

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
Satchel Paige

We are so fond of one another because our ailments are the same.
Jonathon Swift

You’ve heard of the three ages of man – youth, age, and “you are looking wonderful.”
Francis Cardinal Spellman

When I was young, the Dead Sea was still alive.
George Burns

Amusing Quotes

I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
Bernard M. Baruch

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
Rev. Larry Lorenzoni

Don’t regret another birthday, the good news is that you are alive and can celebrate it.
Kate Summers

As you get older, though, you realize there are fire extinguishers. You do have an ability to control the flames.

With mirth and laughter, let old wrinkles come.
William Shakespeare

They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.

There are two great days in a person’s life – the day we are born and the day we discover why.
William Barclay

Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.

Funny Birthday Quotes.

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Thirty-five is a very attractive age; London society is full of women who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years.
Maurice Chevalier

They tell you that you’ll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don’t tell you is that you won’t miss it very much.
Malcolm Cowley

Middle Age: When you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms.
Georges Clemenceau

I’m six foot eleven. My birthday covers three days.
Darryl Dawkins

The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.
T.S. Eliot

Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.
Jim Fiebig

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
Ogden Nash

If you survive long enough, you’re revered — rather like an old building.
Katherine Hepburn

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Groucho Marx

Silly Birthday Quotes

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Bob Hope

Just remember, once you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
Charles Schultz

The first hundred years are the hardest.
Wilson Mizner

Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.
Moe (The Simpsons)

If you’re yearning for the good old days, just turn off the air conditioning.
Griff Niblack

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Funny Birthday Quotes for Friends

I was brought up to respect my elders, and now I don’t have to respect anyone.
George Burns

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
Bob Hope

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
Groucho Marx

Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you have not committed.
Anthony Powell

Every man over forty is a scoundrel.
George Bernard Shaw

Life begins at 40
Sophie Tucker

I’m not aging, I’m marinating.

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

Middle age is when a man is warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.

HBD Funny

Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.

Middle age is when you have the choice of two temptations, and you choose the one that will get you home earlier.

Be kind to your kids; they’ll be choosing your nursing home.

If things get better with age, then you’re approaching outstanding.

The high cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

You have the wisdom of the ages, but it doesn’t show.

Wrinkles are the service stripes of life

All the world is birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much.
George Harrison

Youth is a gift of nature but age is a work of art.
Stanislaw Lec

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Hysterical Birthday Quotes

Pull out a gray hair, and seven will come to its funeral.
Dutch Proverb

Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.

A man is getting old when he walks around a puddle instead of through it.

Life is one big canvas; throw all the paint you can at it.
Danny Kaye

Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you didn’t commit.
Anthony Powell

The older you get, the faster you ran as a kid.
Steve Owen

Never let yesterday use up too much of today.
Will Rogers

I’m in pretty good shape for the shape I’m in.
Mickey Rourke

Middle age is when your classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald they don’t recognize you.
Oscar Wilde

The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything.
Oscar Wilde

I intend to live forever — so far, so good!
Stephen Wright

Funny Birthday Wishes

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
Mark Twain

Just remember, once you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
Charles Schultz

If things get better with age, then you’re approaching magnificent!
John Grier

Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night, and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you.
Ogden Nash

Funny Birthday Messages

Don’t worry about your age. You are younger than your next birthday. Cheers to another year!

On your big day, I wish for you; happiness, friendship, honor, and many blessings. All the stuff that doesn’t cost me anything. Have a wonderful birthday!

If anyone calls you old, throw your teeth at them. Happy birthday old man.

I hope you have a great birthday party and that you can remember it tomorrow! Happy Birthday to the best friend ever.

With all the candles on your cake, I hope someone alerted the fire department. Congratulations!

Clever Birthday Quotes

Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard, there is nothing you can do about it.
Golda Meir

Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs.
Kin Hubbard

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
Robert Frost

Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.
Tom Wilson

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
Jack Benny

Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.
Kitty Collins

Live as long as you may. The first twenty years are the longest half of your life.
Robert Southey

For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.
John Glenn

Birthday Quotes that make you smile

Vintage, not old.

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.
Dave Barry

The older you get, the better you get, unless you are a banana.
Betty White

Like many women my age, I am 28 years old.
Mary Schmich

Inside every older person is a younger person—wondering what the hell happened.
Jennifer Yane

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
John Glenn


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