These funny Dwight Schrute quotes include some of his best lines from the hit TV show, The Office. They highlight Dwight’s quirky sense of logic and the nerdy command of useless knowledge.
You will find it hard not to laugh out loud at these awesomely hilarious lines. But, first, let’s find out a little about Dwight Schrute the man.
Dwight Schrute bio
Full name: Dwight Kurt Schrute III
Born: January 20, 1970
Birth weight: 13 lbs 5 oz (his mother was unable to walk for three months and two days after giving birth)
Relationship / Love interest: Angela Martin from the Accounting Department
Employer: Dunder Mifflin Paper Co.
- Paper salesman
- Assistant to the Regional Manager
- Scranton Branch Manager
- Assistant to the Assistant to the Regional Manager (A.A.R.M.)
Nemesis at work: Jim Halpert. Jim likes to play office pranks on Dwight including encasing his stapler into Jell-O, convinced Dwight a Thursday was a Friday, and relocated his office furniture into the bathroom.
Hobbies & interests:
- Martial arts (especially Goju Ryu karate)
- Laser Tag & paintball
- Battlestar Galactica
- Notary public
- Exotic pets
- Table tennis
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Other business activity:
- Owner, beet farmer, and bed and breakfast entrepreneur at Schrute Farms with cousin Mose.
- Owner of Scranton Business Park.
- Vice President of Special Projects Development at Sabre Corporation.
- A salesman at Staples.
What Dwight Schrute is known for:
- Drives a maroon 1987 Pontiac Trans Am.
- Can remember his own birth.
- Practices one-upmanship.
- Speaks High German language.
- Believes in zombies, vampires, and androids.
- Claims to be faster than a Black Pepper snake.
- Claims to be able to sit on a fence.
- Hides weapons in secret locations throughout the office.
- Was a twin in his mother’s womb but “resorbed” his sibling, giving him “the strength of a grown man and a little baby.”
- Does not like to smile as it represents submission in primates.
- Displays a shocking lack of social skills.
Good Dwight Schrute quotes about business & career
The top salesman at Dunder Mifflin Paper Company knows his way around office politics. Get his hot takes on hazing and the team with these funny Dwight Schrute quotes.
I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows. Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them.
Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked.
Michael is like Mozart, and I’m like Butch Cassidy. You mess with Mozart and you’re gonna get bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly… I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.
Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat.
About love & dating
Who would’ve thought the beet farmer is such a lady’s man? Well, these Dwight Schrute quotes shed some light on his approach with the opposite sex.
The problem with women
Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.
How to get a woman
Women are like wolves. If you want one you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it.
The necessities of life
All you need is love? False. The four basic human necessities are air, water, food and shelter.
How would I describe myself? Three words: hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable.
I am better than you have ever been or ever will be.
D.W.I.G.H.T – Determined, Worker, Intense, Good worker, Hard worker, Terrific.
Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man’s.
I am faster than 80% of all snakes.
An ideal world
In an ideal world, I would have all 10 fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.
There’s too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague.
Birthday Wishes From Dwight Schrute
Today is your birthday? False. Today is the anniversary of your birthday.
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About health & wellness
Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we’re downriver from that old bread factory.
I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran. Killed twenty men, then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.
I never thought I’d say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow.
The eyes are the groin of the head.
Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck.
In the wild, there is no healthcare. Healthcare is Oh, I broke my leg! A lion comes and eats you, you’re dead. Well, I’m not dead, I’m the lion, you’re dead!
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On death & dying
“R” is one of the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it murder not ‘mukduk’.”
When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time, to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
A thirty year mortgage at Michael’s age essentially means that he’s buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.
A difficult conversation
Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We’ve got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.
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The perfect crime
What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business. She’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms.
I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero.
She’s been waiting for me all these years. She’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. And I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier.
About law & order
Identity theft is not a joke, Jim. Millions of families suffer every year.
People say, ‘oh it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home, or the workplace.’ Well I say, it’s better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, then by a stranger, on purpose.
Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
I love catching people in the act. That’s why I always whip open doors.
As a volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy, I’ve been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out… she was. With a couple of guys actually, so… mystery solved.
It’s never the person who you most suspect. It’s also never the person you least suspect since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the killer to be Phyllis… The person who I most medium suspect.
I am making a citizen’s arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to beg for mercy. And you have the right to request judgment by combat. Dwight’s rights.
Ricky Gervais on The Office and how it would suffer if made today.
How to think like a Schrute
Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, “Would an idiot do that?” And if they would, I do not do that thing.
Did you know that the human thumb is formed by 15 interchangeable joints? Wrong. Don’t believe everything that people on television tell you.
Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it.
I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-seized in England.
Many ideas were not appreciated in their time. Like shampoo.
There are 3 things you never turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season.
I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.
Congratulations on your one cousin. I have seventy, each one better than the last!
Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.
Leave it to Dwight
Oh, yes. Oh, what a beautiful child. Prominent forehead, short arms, tiny nose. You will lead millions… willingly or as slaves.
That baby is a Schrute. And unless somebody taught Mose sex, that baby is mine.
Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don’t hear about is the many people they push farther out to sea! And, dolphins aren’t smart. They just like pushing things.
Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. And, I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
Lord of the Rings
And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor.
That butoxide has a mild hallucinogenic effect, but I don’t think it’s kicked in yet. I’m gonna count down from ten. Ten, nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple.
Those who can’t farm, farm celery.
— Greg Johnson
Greg writes about sports, pop culture, and entertainment.
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