These funny Dwight Schrute quotes include some of his best lines from the hit TV show, The Office. They highlight Dwight’s quirky sense of logic and the nerdy command of useless knowledge.
You will find it hard not to laugh out loud at these awesomely hilarious lines. But first, let’s find out a little about Dwight Schrute, the man.
Dwight Schrute bio
Full name: Dwight Kurt Schrute III
Born: January 20, 1970
Birth weight: 13 lbs 5 oz (his mother was unable to walk for three months and two days after giving birth)
Relationship / Love interest: Angela Martin from the Accounting Department
Employer: Dunder Mifflin Paper Co.
Positions held:
Paper salesman
Assistant to the Regional Manager
Scranton Branch Manager
Assistant to the Assistant to the Regional Manager (A.A.R.M.)
Nemesis at work: Jim Halpert. Jim likes to play office pranks on Dwight, including encasing his stapler into Jell-O, convincing Dwight that a Thursday was a Friday, and relocating his office furniture into the bathroom.
Hobbies & interests:
Martial arts (especially Goju Ryu karate)
Weapons
Surveillance
Laser Tag & Paintball
Battlestar Galactica
Notary public
Exotic pets
Table tennis
Survivalism
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Other business activity:
Owner, beet farmer, and bed and breakfast entrepreneur at Schrute Farms with cousin Mose.
Owner of Scranton Business Park.
Previous employment:
Vice President of Special Projects Development at Sabre Corporation.
A salesman at Staples.
What Dwight Schrute is known for:
Drives a maroon 1987 Pontiac Trans Am.
Can remember his own birth.
Practices one-upmanship.
Speaks High German language.
Believes in zombies, vampires, and androids.
Claims to be faster than a Black Pepper snake.
Claims to be able to sit on a fence.
Hides weapons in secret locations throughout the office.
Was a twin in his mother’s womb but “resorbed” his sibling, giving him “the strength of a grown man and a little baby.”
Does not like to smile as it represents submission in primates.
Displays a shocking lack of social skills.
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Good Dwight Schrute quotes about business & career
The top salesman at Dunder Mifflin Paper Company knows his way around office politics. Get his hot takes on hazing and the team with these funny Dwight Schrute quotes.
Bad person
I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me, but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows. Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them.
Hazing
Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked.
Team
Michael is like Mozart, and I’m like Butch Cassidy. You mess with Mozart, and you’re gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
Loyalty
Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly… I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.
Powerpoint
Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat.
Office Personal
Yes, I have a wig for every single person in the office. You never know when you’re gonna need to bear a passing resemblance to someone.
About love & dating
Who would’ve thought the beet farmer is such a lady’s man? Well, these Dwight Schrute quotes shed some light on his approach with the opposite sex.
The problem with women
Reject a woman, and she will never let it go—one of the many defects of their kind—also, weak arms.
How to get a woman
Women are like wolves. If you want one, you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it.
The necessities of life
All you need is love? False. The four basic human necessities are air, water, food, and shelter.
Perfect Valentine’s Day
My perfect Valentine’s day? I’m at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the fifty restaurant reservations I made over six months ago.
On self-image
Three words
How would I describe myself? Three words: hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable.
Better
I am better than you have ever been or ever will be.
Acronym
D.W.I.G.H.T – Determined, Worker, Intense, Good worker, Hard worker, Terrific.
Feelings
Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man’s.
Fast
I am faster than 80% of all snakes.
Begging
I never smile if I can help it. Showing one’s teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.
An ideal world
In an ideal world, I would have all 10 fingers on my left hand, so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.
Speed Scale
I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose… And a panther.
Plague
There’s too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague.
Don’t call me a hero
No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.
Birthday Wishes From Dwight Schrute
- Birthdays
Today is your birthday? False. Today is the anniversary of your birthday.
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About health & wellness
Lower cholesterol
Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Yeast infections
There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county, probably because we’re downriver from that old bread factory.
Fighters
I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran. Killed twenty men, then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life—different kind of fight.
Diet
I never thought I’d say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow.
Anatomy
The eyes are the groin of the head.
Martial Arts
Of course Martial arts training is relevant. Uh, I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ.
Human weakness
Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck.
Healthcare
In the wild, there is no healthcare. Healthcare is. Oh, I broke my leg! A lion comes and eats you; you’re dead. Well, I’m not dead; I’m the lion, you’re dead!
Illness
To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies.
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On death & dying
Murder
“R” is one of the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it murder, not ‘mukduk.’”
Cryogenics
When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
Mortgage
A thirty-year mortgage at Michael’s age essentially means that he’s buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.
A difficult conversation
Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We’ve got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.
Strong Hand
The hand that reaches from the grave to grip your throat is the strong hand you want on the wheel.
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On crime
The perfect crime
What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business. She’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms.
I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son, and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero.
She’s been waiting for me all these years. She’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. And I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier.
It’s never the person who you most suspect. It’s also never the person you least suspect since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the killer to be Phyllis. The person who I most medium suspect.
About law & order
Identity theft
Identity theft is not a joke, Jim. Millions of families suffer every year.
Weapons
People say, ‘oh, it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the workplace.’ Well, I say, it’s better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, than by a stranger, on purpose.
Security
Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
Surveillance
I love catching people in the act. That’s why I always whip open doors.
Citizen’s arrest
I am making a citizen’s arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to beg for mercy. And you have the right to request judgment by combat—Dwight’s rights.
Ricky Gervais on The Office and how it would suffer if made today.
How to think like a Schrute
An idiot
Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, “Would an idiot do that?” And if they would, I do not do that thing.
The thumb
Did you know that the human thumb is formed by 15 interchangeable joints? Wrong. Don’t believe everything that people on television tell you.
Bread
Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it.
Bedsheets
I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-seized in England.
Shampoo
Many ideas were not appreciated in their time, like shampoo.
Bear Attacks
I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for “Grizzly Man” and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Cuz that’s the thing about bear attacks… they come when you least expect it.
Random Schrutisms
Bears
There are 3 things you never turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season.
Werewolves
I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.
Family
Congratulations on your one cousin. I have seventy, each one better than the last!
Babies
Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.
Friends
And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff’s deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven’t.
Leave it to Dwight
Born leader
Oh, yes. Oh, what a beautiful child. Prominent forehead, short arms, tiny nose. You will lead millions… willingly or as slaves.
A Schrute
That baby is a Schrute. And unless somebody taught Mose sex, that baby is mine.
Dolphins
Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don’t hear about is the many people they push farther out to sea! And dolphins aren’t smart. They just like pushing things.
Tipping
Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. And, I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
Meredith
With the electricity we are using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what’s unethical.
Lord of the Rings
And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor.
Hallucinogens
That butoxide has a mild hallucinogenic effect, but I don’t think it’s kicked in yet. I’m gonna count down from ten. Ten, nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple.
Farming
Those who can’t farm, farm celery.
By Greg Johnson
Greg writes about sports, pop culture, and entertainment.
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