These funny Michael Scott quotes will remind you of some of your favorite episodes of the TV show The Office. For many folks, The Office has been must-watch television despite the original programming ending after nine seasons in May of 2013.
We all remember some of our favorite episodes from this classic TV show like “Office Olympics,” “Prison Mike,” “Scott’s Tots,” and more.
Michael Gary Scott was played by actor Steve Carell and based on David Brent, played by Ricky Gervais on the British version of the show.
Best Michael Scott Quotes
- An office is not for dying. An office is a place for living life to the fullest, to the max, to… an office is a place where dreams come true.
- Mo’ money, mo’ problems.
- You should never settle for who you are.
- Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ and if they would, I do not do that thing.
- Make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order.
Good Michael Scott Quotes
And I’m optimistic, but every day, I get a little more desperate.
Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin names of any of our plants, I just give her the names of rappers. Those are some Diddies. Those are some Bone Thugs-N-Harmoniums, right here. Those Ludacrises are coming in great.
Friends joke with one another. Hey, you’re poor. Hey, your momma’s dead. That’s what friends do.
Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.
I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.
Webster’s dictionary defines wedding as: the fusing of two metals with a hot torch.
Sort of a guys’ night out. A GNO., if you will. Actually, it’s more of a guys’ afternoon. A GAI. A gay. Not… It’s not gay. It’s just a… It’s a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower.
You know, sometimes to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star, incredibly far away. And our problems don’t matter to him because we’re just a distant point of light.
Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.
There is no such thing as an appropriate joke, that’s why it’s a joke.
Why don’t you explain this to me like I am five?
You wanna hear a lie? I think you’re great. You are my best friend.
No! God! Please, no!
Mini-cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes? Which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?
I got you a going-away present. I’m finally deleting you from my phone.
It smells like some vomit took a dump in here.
Dwight, you ignorant slut!
For my item, I chose a picture of my ex-girlfriend, Lucy, with a mustache drawn on her face and stink lines coming off her, because she stinks!
Ben, stop! This is like listening to a Ted Talk by the color beige!
Oh my God, Pam, those make you look so ugly.
I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all and it’s terrible.
It’s Britney, bitch.
The only time I see the bar low is for limbo.
If all goes well, this might be one of the last times I get to speak to you.
The Office Michael Scott Quotes
- This morning I saw a YouTube video with a puppy riding a motorcycle. So my bar for stunning is pretty high.
- I’ve got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.
- When I discovered Youtube, I didn’t work for five days.
The Office Fire Drill
Funny Michael Scott Quotes
Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are the best possible information.
Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that’s baloney, because grief isn’t wrong. There’s such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.
I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.
Lucy, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to marry me.
I learned a while back that if I do not text 9-1-1, people do not return my calls. Um, but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened.
I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero?… I really can’t say, but yes!
Yes, I’m married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies.
There’s a whole room on the fourth floor where they store the knives they’ve confiscated from people who went to the fourth floor to stab someone.
Excuse me, Miss Hanley? Would you mind if I snapped a you-y? It’s what I call selfies of other people.
Michael Scott Quotes Meme
Inspirational And Motivational Quotes
- People always talk about the triumphs of the human spirit. Well, today, I had a triumph of the human body. That’s why everybody was applauding for me at the end.
- I’d like to start today, by inspiring you. May I borrow someone’s textbook, please? You cannot learn from books. Replace these pages with life lessons. And then, you will have…a book that is worth its weight in gold.
- Never, ever, ever, give up.
- When I came to, I had an epiphery. Life is precious. And if I die, I want my son to know the dealio. The dealio of life.
- Yeah, I’ve been a little down. Totally natural. I’m getting a divorce, but now I’m ready to pull myself up.
- Treat yo self.
- One man came and lifted us all up…and that man was me!
- You can’t put words back in your mouth.
- You only live once? False. You live every day. You only die once.
Paper Company/Dunder Mifflin
- Hi, I’m Michael Scott and I’m in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania. But, I’m also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because ‘Today is Almost Over.’ Abraham Lincoln once said, “If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North,” and those are the principles I carry with me into the workplace.
Michael Scott Quotes On Love, Relationships, And Friendship
- Well, it’s love at first sight. Actually, it was… no, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.
- If you break that girl’s heart, I will kill you.
- Don’t ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, even, no matter what. No matter where. Or who. Or who you are with. Or where you are going. Or where you’ve been… ever. For any reason, whatsoever.
- Think about how much better our friendship would be if we added ‘doing it’
- Love fades away. But things…things are forever.
- Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, ‘Hey man, I love you this many dollars-worth.’
- Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
- If I had a gun, with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
- Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for a corporation. So he’s really not a part of our family. Also, he’s divorced, so he’s really not a part of his family.
I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. It’s every parent’s dream.
It just seems awfully mean. But sometimes, the ends justify the mean.
I just want to hear the doctor say that Jerry had a fart attack! Is that so much to ask?
To me! I own two restaurants, as well as several other properties. As long as we’re celebrating.
The only thing that could make this day better is ice cream.
No, I don’t text her, ‘It was nice meeting you.’ I wait eight weeks and I text her, ‘What’s crackin’?’
At the risk of bragging, one of the things I’m best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.
Michael Scott: All right, now, you’re the expert. Is this enough to get 20 people plastered?
Clerk: Fifteen bottles of vodka? Yeah, that should do it.
I have no interest in art. Let me clarify: I have no interest in non-nude images.
It is wonderful to be the center of attention.
And welcome to Crime Aid. “Crime reduces innocence, makes everyone angry, I declare.”
It’s not like booze ever killed anyone.
I would not miss it for the world. But if something came up, I would definitely not go.
Prison Mike Quotes
- I’m Prison Mike. You know why they call me Prison Mike?
- You, my friend, would be Da Bell of Da Ball.
- The worst thing about prison was the dementors.
- All right, hey, hey, hey, hey, that’s just the way we talk in the clink.
- Been a lot of fun talk about prison today, but I am here to scare you straight.
- They were flying all over the place and they were scary and they’d come down and they’d suck the soul out of your body and it hurt.
- Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, bee-yotch?
- Look, prison stinks, is what I’m saying. It’s not like you can go home, and, recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and, be with your friends, having fun in the office.
- I stole. And I robbed. And I kidnapped… the president’s son and held him for ransom. And I never got caught.
Michael Scott Business Quotes
There are four kinds of business. Tourism, food service, railroads, and sales. And hospitals, slash manufacturing, and air travel.
I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to ’cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.
Business is a doggie dog world. And I am a shark, who eats doggie dogs.
I have two questions for you. One, are you ready for the investment opportunity of a lifetime? And two, do any of you have pacemakers or a history of epilepsy?
People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections.
Parents, are you tired of watching your middle school-aged children grow out of the nice clothes you buy them? Then rent them! From Rent A Swag! You rent it. You wear it. You clean it. You return it. I get rich!
A straightforward deal! Why didn’t you tell me? I don’t have my straightforward deal fedora on me! We gotta stop at my storage unit!
Tips And Tricks
- Oh my God, Pam, those make you look so ugly. Pam, in order to get hotter, you take the glasses off. You’re moving in the wrong direction. I don’t have my contacts. I can’t even hear you. It’s just noise coming out of an ugly scientist.
- Number 8. Learn how to take off a woman’s bra: You just twist your hand until something breaks.
- Sometimes you just gots to get your freak on.
- I guess I’ve been working so hard, I forgot what it’s like to be hardly working.
- This is the hardest I’ve ever worked on anything since…wow—I’ve never worked hard on anything! What a cool life!
- I don’t wanna work, I just want to go band on this mug all day.
- I know how to delegate. And they do more work when I’m not here… Not more… the same amount of work is done whether I am here or not.
- I work hard all day. I like knowing that there’s going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break.
Now, you may look around and see two groups here. White-collar, blue-collar. But I don’t see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.
Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three.
‘You miss 100 percent of the chances you don’t take.’
Nobody should have to go to work thinking, ‘Oh this is the place that I might die today.’
Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that’s always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you just have to be the boss of dancing.
Make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order.
The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them.
The people that you work with are, when you get down to it, your very best friends.
Do I have a special someone? Well, yeah of course. A bunch of ’em. My employees.
Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them.
Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.
Short Michael Scott Quotes
- I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl so I’m wise and I have worms.
- It just seems awfully mean. But sometimes, the ends justify the mean.
- Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody.
- I’m not superstitious, but I am a little ‘stitious.
- Pizza: the great equalizer.
- I am not a moron.
- We are screwed.
- I am Beyonce always.
- It’s never too early for ice cream.
- I understand nothing.
- Hey, you’re a doctor. You know stitches get stitches!
- I am dead inside.
- I don’t even consider myself a part of society.
- Video Ron Demand.
- I declare bankruptcy.
- All the sushi is made by fish, previously owned by celebrities.
- May your hats fly as high as your dreams.
- We’re all homos. Homo sapiens.
- I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday.
Short and Funny Quotations
- That’s what she said.
- On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how pissed is he?
- I’m awesome at being humble.
- I’ve been a baller since birth, son. Now I’m an athlete.”
- Despite what my pocket square says, I’m not a billionaire.
- Most people would say ‘the deets,’ but I say ‘the tails.’ Just another example of innovation.
- Snake Juice! I thought these were destroyed by the FDA!
- Hahaha, write down that I’m funny!
- Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that drinking alcohol is cool?!
- I am running away from my responsibilities and it feels good.
- One time my refrigerator stopped working and I had no idea what to do! I just moved!
- The worst thing about prison was the dementors.
- When I bet on horses, I never lose. Why? I bet on all the horses.
- It’s like I’m not even camping. This is actually a dog couch, but it’s super comfortable.
- It’s cold outside and I can’t wear mittens because they’re not flattering to my hands!
- Ronnn. Can you put some more tiny marshmallows in my hot choccy?
- Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn’t notice.
- When I’m dating someone, I have a list called my ‘Oh No Nos.’ If a woman commits an Oh No No, it can end the relationship. Not loving ‘90s R&B music is #3 on the Oh No Nos list. Girls don’t even know who Ginuwine is.
- We had dinner last night and breakfast this morning. What were we doing in between? Sex stuff.
- Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And I have a great one. Little Kid Lover. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
- Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don’t Cost a Thing with Nick Cannon. Which is based on Can’t Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer, or something, which I think was Shakespeare.
- Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.
- I want to open up my own club one day, maybe call it something like Club a Dub Dub, or the Club Marine. Sort of a submarine-themed club. Or Tom’s Bistro. The word ‘bistro’ is classy as shit. Every now and then, we have these little gatherings, and Leslie gets plastered. One time, I convinced her to try to fax someone a Fruit Roll-Up.
Reading through all of these good Michael Scott quotes has us hankering for some more watching of The Office. Have a great day!
— Emily Swanson & Mike O’Halloran
Emily writes about entertainment and Mike is the founder and editor of Greeting Card Poet.
You’re on our 157 Michael Scott Quotes From The Office page.
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