We could all use a few funny Christmas quotes to brighten our spirits during the holidays. Christmas is that time of the year when you have to enjoy it like there is no tomorrow.
It is that time when you share presents and kind words with an open heart – no matter what the bills are. There is no other time like Christmas. It is also when you can take all the freedom to be humorous with anyone.
Hopefully, these gems will help generate a laugh or two.
Best Funny Christmas Quotes
If you can’t wrap, Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.
Unknown
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge
Do you know what I got for Christmas? Fat. I got fat.
Unknown
Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
Andy Borowitz
Jingle All The Way Meme
Always jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
Unknown
Anyone who believes that men are equal to women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.
Unknown
Santa’s Naughty List Meme
It’s all fun and games until Santa checks the naughty list.
Unknown
Hilarious Christmas Quotes
Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.
Unknown
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.
Julius Sharpe
Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.
Unknown
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller
Christmas is when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.
Unknown
Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying, ‘Buy Buy.’
Robert Paul
Check out our Merry Christmas page.
Short Funny Christmas Quotes
Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
Andy Borowitz
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson
I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents that I can’t wait to exchange.
Henny Youngman
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin
Dear Santa, leave your credit card under the tree.
Unknown
Nothing says holiday like a cheese log.
Ellen DeGeneres
That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
Jerry Seinfeld
Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
Kin Hubbard
A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.
John B. Priestly
Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The Elf and safety officer.
Catherine Tate
Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.
Carol Nelson
At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.
Robert Godden
You might like 237+ Elf on the Shelf Names.
Melanie White Quotes – “A White Christmas”
Christmas shopping for your parents is easy. Just buy them clothes you wouldn’t get caught dead in.
My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.
A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day.
It’s the holiday season. Let the overeating begin.
What’s the best part of Christmas shopping?
When you know, it’s a wrap.
You know you’ve had a good Christmas when you spend more time unwrapping presents than untangling lights.
Christmas is a state of mind and that special feeling that only comes with an empty bank account.
Fun Christmas Quotes
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
Garrison Keillor
There’s nothing sadder in this world than to wake up on Christmas morning and not be a child.
Erma Bombeck
One good thing about Christmas shopping is it toughens you for the January sales.
Grace Kriley
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.
Julius Sharpe
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Bernard Manning
There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?
Conan O’Brien
Laugh Out Loud Christmas Quotations
Sending Christmas cards is an excellent way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.
Unknown
Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want, and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want, and their kids pay for it.
Richard Lamm
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson
A true Christmas miracle is when you manage to untangle all your Christmas lights from last year. A double miracle if they still work.
Unknown
Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
Bart Simpson
I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.
Winston Spear
Funny Christmas Movies Quotes
I don’t know what to say, but it’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery.
Ellen Griswold (Christmas Vacation)
The heavenly aroma still hung in the house. But it was gone, all gone. No turkey. No turkey sandwiches. And, no turkey salad. And, no turkey gravy. Turkey Hash. Turkey a la King. Or gallons of turkey soup. Gone, ALL GONE.
Ralphie (Christmas Story)
From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist, it would be necessary to invent it.
Katharine Whitehorn
We’re gonna have the hap- hap- happiest Christmas.
Clark Griswold (Christmas Vacation)
One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone, and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.
Professor Dumbledore (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone)
You’ll shoot your eye out, kid. Merry Christmas.
Santa Claus (Christmas Story)
You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out Video
More From the Movies
Christmas shopping. Never an easy or pleasant task.
Harry (Love Actually)
You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.
Bart Simpson (The Simpsons)
First, we’ll make snow angels for two hours, then we’ll go ice skating, then we’ll eat a whole roll of Toll House cookie dough as fast as we can, and then we’ll snuggle.
Buddy the Elf
Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.
Home Alone
We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, andy corns, and syrup.
Buddy the Elf
Merry Christmas Funny Quotes
Why were there only three kings at Jesus’ birth?
Elvis had not yet entered the building.
May your longest list this Christmas be the one that counts your blessings.
Unknown
At Christmas, play and make good cheer; for Christmas comes but once a year.
Thomas Tusser
You are the reason Santa has a naughty list.
Unknown
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit; he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?
Arlo Guthrie
May you never be too grown up to search the skies on Christmas Eve.
Unknown
Santa saw your Instagram pictures. You are getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
Unknown
Christmas is canceled. You told Santa that you have been good this year. He died laughing.
Unknown
Merry Christmas.
Know what the best thing about this card is?
It doesn’t come with a fruitcake.
Unknown
Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
Kin Hubbard
Xmas Sayings For Cards
I wish your holidays to be filled with many big smiles and celebrations – but hopefully not big credit card bills.
My Christmas wish for you this year is simple: with all you are going to consume over the holidays, I hope your digestive system can handle it like a champ.
Happy holidays. May your egg nog contain enough rum to get you through the Christmas season.
I wish you love in loneliness, peace in trouble, and white Christmas but if your white wine goes out, resort to red. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas. May you receive presents that make you happy, not fruitcakes and ugly Christmas sweaters.
If you finish your Christmas shopping early, you should consider what’s wrong with you having so few friends.
May the calories of Christmas disappear by the New Year. Happy holidays.
I wish you wealth in nothingness and love in loneliness; When you have nothing to celebrate Christmas, believe that the next knock at your door belongs to Santa.
Merry Christmas. Santa is giving you the gift of a frigid winter for a few more months.
I wanted to send you something amazing for Christmas, but the mailman told me to get it out of the mailbox.
Merry X-mas. May you be surrounded by jolly elves – and not nasty grinches- this holiday season.
Humorous Sayings About Christmas
Remember that the important thing is not what you give or how you wrap it. The important thing during this extraordinary time of year is that you save the receipt.
Dave Barry
Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of the children, they are all 30 feet tall.
Larry Wilde
There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
Bob Phillips
One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.
Andy Rooney
Three phrases sum up Christmas: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.
Unknown
What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.
Don Marquis
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way by going to the mall of his choice.
Dave Barry
Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts.
Unknown
Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and your receipts for all major purchases.
Bridger Winegar
Funny Christmas Quotes
Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.
Lenore Hershey
A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.
Jay Leno
You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Maya Angelou
Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.
Unknown
Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.
P. J. O’Rourke
Next to a circus, there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.
Frank McKinney Hubbard
People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and New Year, but they should be concerned about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.
Unknown
That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
Jerry Seinfeld
Funny Sayings
I stopped believing in Santa Clause when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.
Shirley Temple
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Unknown
I get a little behind during Lent, but it comes out even at Christmas.
Frank Butler
Xmas is the only time of the year when you can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy from socks.
Unknown
Dear Santa, I can explain.
Unknown
Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.
Unknown
It’s Christmas Eve! It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer; we smile a little easier, and we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.
Bill Murray
I’m dreaming of a white Xmas. But, if it runs out, I’ll drink the red.
Unknown
Dear Santa, I’ve been good for the past few days. Let’s focus on that.
Unknown
Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
Andy Borowitz
Best Christmas Quotes
People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.
Unknown
Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredient of a truly merry Christmas.
Peg Bracken
Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold; everything is softer and more beautiful.
Norman Vincent Peale
Christmas is always a problem for the man who has to convince his kids that there is a Santa Claus and his wife that there isn’t.
Joan Rivers
Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.
Hamilton Wright Mabi
There are some people who want to throw their arms around you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.
Unknown
Wonderful Yuletide Quotations
We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup.
Buddy the Elf
I’d rather do community service than sit and write a load of Christmas cards.
Paul O’Grady
Christmas is like candy; it slowly melts in your mouth, sweetening every taste bud and making you wish it could last forever.
Richelle Goodrich
Bloody Christmas, here again; let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, and goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.
Wendy Cope
Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.
Larry Wilde
Silly Quotes
I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.
Winston Spear
Christmas is like candy; it slowly melts in your mouth, sweetening every taste bud and making you wish it could last forever.
Richelle Goodrich
I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, ‘Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.’ The paper I used said, ‘Happy Birthday.’ I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.
Demetri Martin
How can you give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? What’s next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?
Santa Claus in Home Alone
It’s that special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their cell phones.
Jimmy Kimmel
Christmas Cheer
Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold; everything is softer and more beautiful.
Norman Vincent Peale
The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.
Buddy the Elf
Nothing says holidays like a cheese log.
Ellen Degeneres
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
Johnny Carson
Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas.
Peg Bracken
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
Jay Leno
I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk, and he put a solar panel in my stocking.
Earthman Adam
The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husbands.
Joan Rivers
“Meet me under the mistletoe,” said no one ever.
Unknown
Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of socks.
Unknown
Funny Christmas Quotes For Family
Bloody Christmas, here again; let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, and goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.
Wendy Cope
It’s Christmas Eve! It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer; we smile a little easier, and we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.
Bill Murray
Christmas: It’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.
Samantha Bee
Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.
Melanie White
Maybe hot chocolate wants to be called beautiful chocolate just one time.
Unknown
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
Johnny Carson
Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.
Hamilton Wright Mabi
Funny Christmas Quotes FAQs
Here are some frequently asked questions about funny Christmas quotes.
“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year,” by Victor Borge and Andy Borowtiz’s, “Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard” come to mind.
“You stink! You smell like beef and cheese; you don’t smell like Santa.”
“The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.”
May Christmas magic find its way into your heart this season and all year round.
By Mike O’Halloran
Mike is an author and founder of Greeting Card Poet.
Etcetera
You’re on Funny Christmas Quotes.
Further Reading: 10 More for the Holidays
Xmas Quotations for Holiday Cheer
