Funny Christmas Quotes

We could all use a few funny Christmas quotes to brighten our spirits during the holidays. Christmas is that time of the year when you have to enjoy it like there is no tomorrow.

It is that time when you share presents and kind words with an open heart – no matter what the bills are.

There is no other time like Christmas. It is also when you can take all the freedom to be humorous with anyone.

Hopefully, these gems will help generate a laugh or two.

Best Funny Christmas Quotes

1.) If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.
Unknown

2.) Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge

3.) Do you know what I got for Christmas? Fat. I got fat.
Unknown

4.) Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
Andy Borowitz

Jingle All The Way Meme

5.) Always jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
Unknown

6.) Anyone who believes that men are equal to women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.
Unknown

Santa’s Naughty List Meme

7.) It’s all fun and games until Santa checks the naughty list.
Unknown

Hilarious Christmas Quotes

8.) Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.
Unknown

9.) The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.
Julius Sharpe

10.) Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.
Unknown

11.) What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

12.) Christmas is when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.
Unknown

13.) Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying, ‘Buy Buy.’
Robert Paul

Check out our Merry Christmas page.

Short Funny Christmas Quotes

14.) Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
Andy Borowitz

15.) Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson

16.) I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents that I can’t wait to exchange.
Henny Youngman

17.) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin

18.) Dear Santa, leave your credit card under the tree.
Unknown

19.) Nothing says holiday like a cheese log.
Ellen DeGeneres

20.) That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
Jerry Seinfeld

21.) Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
Kin Hubbard

22.) A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.
John B. Priestly

23.) Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The Elf and safety officer.
Catherine Tate

24.) Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.
Carol Nelson

25.) At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.
Robert Godden

You might like Good Elf on the Shelf Names.

Melanie White Quotes – “A White Christmas”

26.) Christmas shopping for your parents is easy. Just buy them clothes you wouldn’t get caught dead in.

27.) My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.

28.) A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day.

29.) It’s the holiday season. Let the overeating begin.

30.) What’s the best part of Christmas shopping?
When you know, it’s a wrap.

31.) You know you’ve had a good Christmas when you spend more time unwrapping presents than untangling lights.

32.) Christmas is a state of mind and that special feeling that only comes with an empty bank account.

Fun Christmas Quotes

33.) A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
Garrison Keillor

34.) There’s nothing sadder in this world than to wake up on Christmas morning and not be a child.
Erma Bombeck

35.) One good thing about Christmas shopping is it toughens you for the January sales.
Grace Kriley

36.) The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.
Julius Sharpe

37.) I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Bernard Manning

38.) There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?
Conan O’Brien

Laugh Out Loud Christmas Quotations

39.) Sending Christmas cards is an excellent way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.
Unknown

40.) Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want, and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want, and their kids pay for it.
Richard Lamm

41.) Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson

42.) A true Christmas miracle is when you manage to untangle all your Christmas lights from last year. A double miracle if they still work.
Unknown

43.) Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
Bart Simpson

44.) I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.
Winston Spear

Funny Christmas Movies Quotes

45.) I don’t know what to say, but it’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery.
Ellen Griswold (Christmas Vacation)

46.) The heavenly aroma still hung in the house. But it was gone, all gone. No turkey. No turkey sandwiches. And, no turkey salad. And, no turkey gravy. Turkey Hash. Turkey a la King. Or gallons of turkey soup. Gone, ALL GONE.
Ralphie (Christmas Story)

47.) From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist, it would be necessary to invent it.
Katharine Whitehorn

48.) We’re gonna have the hap- hap- happiest Christmas.
Clark Griswold (Christmas Vacation)

49.) One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone, and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.
Professor Dumbledore (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone)

50.) You’ll shoot your eye out, kid. Merry Christmas.
Santa Claus (Christmas Story)

You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out Video

More From the Movies

51.) Christmas shopping. Never an easy or pleasant task.
Harry (Love Actually)

52.) You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.
Bart Simpson (The Simpsons)

53.) First, we’ll make snow angels for two hours, then we’ll go ice skating, then we’ll eat a whole roll of Toll House cookie dough as fast as we can, and then we’ll snuggle.
Buddy the Elf

54.) Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.
Home Alone

55.) We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, andy corns, and syrup.
Buddy the Elf

Merry Christmas Funny Quotes

56.) Why were there only three kings at Jesus’ birth?
Elvis had not yet entered the building.
May your longest list this Christmas be the one that counts your blessings.
Unknown

57.) At Christmas, play and make good cheer; for Christmas comes but once a year.
Thomas Tusser

58.) You are the reason Santa has a naughty list.
Unknown

59.) Santa Claus wears a Red Suit; he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?
Arlo Guthrie

60.) May you never be too grown up to search the skies on Christmas Eve.
Unknown

61.) Santa saw your Instagram pictures. You are getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
Unknown

62.) Christmas is canceled. You told Santa that you have been good this year. He died laughing.
Unknown

Merry Christmas.
63.) Know what the best thing about this card is?
It doesn’t come with a fruitcake.
Unknown

64.) Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
Kin Hubbard

Xmas Sayings For Cards

65.) I wish your holidays to be filled with many big smiles and celebrations – but hopefully not big credit card bills.

66.) My Christmas wish for you this year is simple: with all you are going to consume over the holidays, I hope your digestive system can handle it like a champ.

67.) Happy holidays. May your egg nog contain enough rum to get you through the Christmas season.

68.) I wish you love in loneliness, peace in trouble, and a white Christmas, but if your white wine goes out, resort to red. Merry Christmas.

69.) Merry Christmas. May you receive presents that make you happy, not fruitcakes and ugly Christmas sweaters.

70.) If you finish your Christmas shopping early, you should consider what’s wrong with you having so few friends.

71.) May the calories of Christmas disappear by the New Year. Happy holidays.

72.) I wish you wealth in nothingness and love in loneliness; When you have nothing to celebrate Christmas, believe that the next knock at your door belongs to Santa.

73.) Merry Christmas. Santa is giving you the gift of a frigid winter for a few more months.

74.) I wanted to send you something amazing for Christmas, but the mailman told me to get it out of the mailbox.

75.) Merry X-mas. May you be surrounded by jolly elves – and not nasty grinches- this holiday season.

Humorous Sayings About Christmas

76.) Remember that the important thing is not what you give or how you wrap it. The important thing during this extraordinary time of year is that you save the receipt.
Dave Barry

77.) Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of the children, they are all 30 feet tall.
Larry Wilde

78.) There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
Bob Phillips

79.) One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.
Andy Rooney

80.) Three phrases sum up Christmas: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.
Unknown

81.) What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.
Don Marquis

82.) Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way by going to the mall of his choice.
Dave Barry

83.) Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts.
Unknown

84.) Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and your receipts for all major purchases.
Bridger Winegar

See our Collection of Fun Christmas Toasts.

Funny Christmas Quotes

85.) Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.
Lenore Hershey

86.) A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.
Jay Leno

87.) You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Maya Angelou

88.) Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.
Unknown

89.) Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April 15 of the next year.
P. J. O’Rourke

90.) Next to a circus, there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.
Frank McKinney Hubbard

91.) People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and New Year, but they should be concerned about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.
Unknown

92.) That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
Jerry Seinfeld

Funny Sayings

93.) I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.
Shirley Temple

94.) What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Unknown

95.) I get a little behind during Lent, but it comes out even at Christmas.
Frank Butler

96.) Xmas is the only time of the year when you can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy from socks.
Unknown

97.) Dear Santa, I can explain.
Unknown

98.) Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.
Unknown

99.) It’s Christmas Eve! It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer; we smile a little easier, and we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.
Bill Murray

100.) I’m dreaming of a white Xmas. But, if it runs out, I’ll drink the red.
Unknown

101.) Dear Santa, I’ve been good for the past few days. Let’s focus on that.
Unknown

102.) Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
Andy Borowitz

Best Christmas Quotes

103.) People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.
Unknown

104.) Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas.
Peg Bracken

105.) Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.
Norman Vincent Peale

106.) Christmas is always a problem for the man who has to convince his kids that there is a Santa Claus and his wife that there isn’t.
Joan Rivers

107.) Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.
Hamilton Wright Mabi

108.) There are some people who want to throw their arms around you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.
Unknown

Wonderful Yuletide Quotations

109.) We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup.
Buddy the Elf

110.) I’d rather do community service than sit and write a load of Christmas cards.
Paul O’Grady

111.) Christmas is like candy; it slowly melts in your mouth, sweetening every taste bud and making you wish it could last forever.
Richelle Goodrich

112.) Bloody Christmas, here again; let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, and goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.
Wendy Cope

113.) Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.
Larry Wilde

Silly Quotes

114.) I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.
Winston Spear

115.) Christmas is like candy; it slowly melts in your mouth, sweetening every taste bud and making you wish it could last forever.
Richelle Goodrich

116.) I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, ‘Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.’ The paper I used said, ‘Happy Birthday.’ I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.
Demetri Martin

117.) How can you give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? What’s next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?
Santa Claus in Home Alone

118.) Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho.
Die Hard

119.) It’s that special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their cell phones.
Jimmy Kimmel

Christmas Cheer

120.) Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.
Norman Vincent Peale

121.) The best way to spread Christmas cheer is by singing loud for all to hear.
Buddy the Elf

122.) Nothing says holidays like a cheese log.
Ellen Degeneres

123.) The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
Johnny Carson

124.) Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas.
Peg Bracken

125.) The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
Jay Leno

126.) I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk, and he put a solar panel in my stocking.
Earthman Adam

127.) The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husbands.
Joan Rivers

128.) Meet me under the mistletoe, said no one ever.
Unknown

129.) Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of socks.
Unknown

Funny Christmas Quotes For Family

130.) Bloody Christmas, here again; let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, and goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.
Wendy Cope

131.) It’s Christmas Eve! It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer; we smile a little easier, and we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.
Bill Murray

132.) Christmas: It’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.
Samantha Bee

133.) Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.
Melanie White

134.) Maybe hot chocolate wants to be called beautiful chocolate just one time.
Unknown

135.) Here’s a money-saving tip for Christmas: Glue a jujube on a brick and mail it out as a fruitcake.
Julie Brown

136.) When I was little, my grandfather one Christmas gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of Band-Aids and said, “You two share.”
Steve Wright

137.) The day after Christmas: When we all have two more ugly sweaters.
Craig Kilborn

Funny Christmas Quotes FAQs

Here are some frequently asked questions about funny Christmas quotes.

May Christmas magic find its way into your heart this season and all year round.

By Mike O’Halloran

Mike is an author and founder of Greeting Card Poet.

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Further Reading: 10 More for the Holidays

Xmas Quotations for Holiday Cheer

Merry Christmas Wishes and Greetings

Buddy the Elf Lines

Happy New Year Greetings

Christmas Jokes

Best Christmas Puns

The Xmas Card Tradition

Xmas Card Messages

New Year Quotations