We could all use a few funny Christmas quotes to brighten up our spirits during the holidays. Christmas is that time of the year when you have to enjoy it like there is no tomorrow.
It is that time when you share presents and kind words with an open heart – no matter what the bills are. There is no other time like Christmas. It is also a time when you can take all the freedom to be humorous with anyone.
Hopefully, these gems will help generate a laugh or two.
Best Funny Christmas Quotes
If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
You know what I got for Christmas? Fat. I got fat.
Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
Jingle All The Way Meme
Always jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.
Santa’s Naughty List Meme
It’s all fun and games until Santa checks the naughty list.
Hilarious Christmas Quotes
Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.
Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying ‘Buy Buy’.
Check out our Merry Christmas page.
Short Funny Christmas Quotes
Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Dear Santa, just leave your credit card under the tree.
Nothing says holiday like a cheese log.
That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.
John B. Priestly
Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.
Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.
Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of this day – the birth of Santa?
At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.
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Christmas shopping for your parents is easy. Just buy them clothes you wouldn’t get caught dead in.
My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.
A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day.
It’s the holiday season. Let the overeating begin.
What’s the best part of Christmas shopping?
When you know it’s a wrap.
You know you’ve had a good Christmas when you spend more time unwrapping presents than untangling lights.
Christmas is a state of mind and that special feeling that only comes with an empty bank account.
Fun Christmas Quotes
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
One good thing about Christmas shopping is it toughens you for the January sales.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Funny Christmas Movies Quotes
I don’t know what to say, but it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.
Ellen Griswold (Christmas Vacation)
The heavenly aroma still hung in the house. But it was gone, all gone. No turkey. No turkey sandwiches. And, no turkey salad. And, no turkey gravy. Turkey Hash. Turkey a la King. Or gallons of turkey soup. Gone, ALL GONE.
Ralphie (Christmas Story)
From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.
We’re gonna have the hap- hap- happiest Christmas.
Clark Griswold (Christmas Vacation)
One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.
Professor Dumbledore (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone)
You’ll shoot your eye out, kid. Merry Christmas.
Santa Claus (Christmas Story)
You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out Video
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Christmas shopping. Never an easy or pleasant task.
Harry (Love Actually)
You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.
Bart Simpson (The Simpsons)
Merry Christmas Funny Quotes
Why were there only three kings at Jesus’ birth?
Elvis had not yet entered the building.
May your longest list this Christmas be the one that counts your blessings.
At Christmas, play and make good cheer, For Christmas comes but once a year.
You are the reason Santa has a naughty list.
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?
May you never be too grown up to search the skies on Christmas Eve.
Santa saw your Instagram pictures. You are getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
Christmas is canceled. You told Santa that you have been good this year. He died laughing.
Know what the best thing about this card is?
It doesn’t come with a fruitcake.
Xmas Sayings For Cards
- I wish for your holidays to be filled with many big smiles and big celebrations – but hopefully not big credit card bills.
- My Christmas wish for you this year is simple: with all you are going to consume over the holidays, I hope your digestive system can handle it like a champ.
- Happy holidays. May your egg nog contain enough rum to get you through the Christmas season.
- I wish you love in loneliness, peace in trouble and white Christmas but if your white wine goes out, resort to red. Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas. May you receive presents that make you happy – and not fruitcake and ugly Christmas sweaters.
- If you finish your Christmas shopping early, you should consider what’s wrong with you having so few friends.
- May the calories of Christmas disappear by the New Year. Happy holidays.
- I wish you wealth in nothingness and love in loneliness; When you have nothing to celebrate the Christmas, just believe that the next knock at your door belongs to Santa.
- Merry Christmas. Santa is giving you the gift of a frigid winter – but just for a few more months.
- I wanted to send you something amazing for Christmas but the mailman told me to get out of the mailbox.
- Merry X-mas. May you be surrounded by jolly elves – and not nasty grinches- this holiday season.
Humorous Sayings About Christmas
- Remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
- Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.
- There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
- One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.
- Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.
- What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.
- Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
- Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts.
- Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.
Really Funny Christmas Quotes
- Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.
- A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.
- You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights.
- Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.
- Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.
P. J. O’Rourke
- Next to a circus, there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.
Frank McKinney Hubbard
- People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.
I stopped believing in Santa Clause when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
I get a little behind during Lent, but it comes out even at Christmas.
Xmas: The only time of the year where you can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of socks.
Dear Santa, I can explain.
I’m dreaming of a white Xmas. But, if it runs out, I’ll drink the red.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good for the past few days. Let’s focus on that.
By Mike O’Halloran
Mike is an author and founder of Greeting Card Poet.
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Further Reading: 10 More for the Holidays