Funny Positive Quotes
These funny, positive quotes will certainly tickle your funny bone. Life is best lived with a sense of humor. Many of life’s difficulties and trivialities can become simpler with the thought of something humorous.
Here, you will find not just amusing quotes but inspirational thoughts. You can gain a deeper insight while also having some laughs. Perhaps some of these quotations will stick with you and keep inspiring you over the long haul.
Share these funny, positive quotes with friends and loved ones and bring a smile to their faces.
Funny Quotes About Life
1.) Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
David Rosam
2.) I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.
Winston Churchill
3.) People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.
Zig Ziglar
4.) Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget tossing in the lifeboats.
Voltaire
5.) Try walking forward while looking over your shoulder and see how far you get. The same goes for life. Look forward!
Martin Henderson
6.) Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
Thomas Edison
7.) Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Marilyn Monroe
8.) My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
Dave Barry
Words of Wisdom
9.) Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.
Albert Einstein
10.) The secret of life is to appreciate the pleasure of being terribly, terribly deceived.
Oscar Wilde
11.) I cannot afford to waste my time making money.
Louis Agassiz
12.) The only normal people are the ones that you don’t know very well.
Alfred Adler
13.) There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything and people who know absolutely nothing.
Oscar Wilde
14.) What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.
Yiddish Proverb
15.) Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability.
George Bernard Shaw
16.) If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.
Thomas Szasz
17.) The trouble with the rat race is that, even if you win, you’re still a rat.
Lily Tomlin
18.) Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
19.) Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.
Albert Schweitzer
20.) It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Check out our uplifting quotes to raise your spirits.
Amusing Inspirational Thoughts
21.) There’s power in looking silly and not caring that you do.
Amy Poehler
22.) If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.
Jim Rohn
23.) When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.
Winston Churchill
24.) If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
Dalai Lama
25.) I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
26.) The reason so few people are successful is no one has yet found a way for someone to sit down and slide uphill.
W. Clement Stone
27.) Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
Will Rogers
28.) Your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
Unknown
29.) Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.
Charles J. Sykes
Quotes To Make You Smile
30.) Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
Franklin P. Jones
31.) Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
Tom Lehrer
32.) I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
Winston Churchill
33.) The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
Terry Pratchett
34.) Bad decisions make good stories.
Ellis Vidler
35.) You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.
Robin Williams
36.) The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families.
Jay McInerney
37.) Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
Isaac Asimov
38.) There are no traffic jams along the extra mile.
Roger Staubach
39.) Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.
Truman Capote
40.) I have a simple philosophy: Fill what is empty. Empty what is full. Scratch where it itches.
Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Check out Quotes for Cool People.
Interesting Takes
41.) The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
Robert Frost
42.) Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.
Billie Burke
43.) Who is more foolish? The fool or the fool that follows him?
Alec Guinness
44.) A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth.
George Bernard Shaw
45.) Aspire to Inspire before you Expire!
Eugene Bell Jr.
46.) If at first, you don’t succeed, think how many people you’ve made happy.
H. Duane Black
47.) You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
Jack London
48.) Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
Unknown
49.) To be stupid, selfish and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.
Gustave Flaubert
50.) Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.
Charles Schulz
51.) By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
Robert Frost
Lift My Spirits Motivational Quotes
52.) The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.
Joe Girard
53.) A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.
Unknown
54.) If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.
Yogi Berra
55.) A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.
Mark Twain
56.) Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes.
Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
57.) Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Unknown
58.) People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
Winnie the Pooh
59.) Change is not a four-letter word… but often your reaction to it is!
Jeffrey Gitomer
60.) When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
Cathy Guisewite
61.) Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
William James
Funny Positive Quotations
62.) All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
Mark Twain
63.) I’ve met a lot of hard-boiled eggs in my life, but you – you’re 20 minutes.
Jan Sterling
64.) It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous.
Robert Benchley
65.) The great thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been.
Madeleine L’Engle
66.) Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.
Kyle Chandler
67.) By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity – another man’s, I mean.
Mark Twain
68.) I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Benjamin Franklin
69.) Want is a growing giant whom the coat of Have was never large enough to cover.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
70.) The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.
Albert Einstein
71.) When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they’re not it.
Bernard Bailey
Laugh Out Loud
Funny positive quotes are a great way to kick off a meeting.
72.) People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A. Milne
73.) Optimist: someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster; it’s more like a cha-cha.
Robert Brault
74.) Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat.
Harry Emerson Fosdick
75.) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Unknown
76.) I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Oscar Wilde
77.) When I hear somebody sigh, Life is hard, I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?
Sydney Harris
78.) To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
79.) A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction.
Justin Sewell
80.) I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.
Michael Scott
81.) You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.
Sam Levenson
82.) A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
83.) Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Robert Bloch
84.) The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
Andy Rooney
Funny Motivational Quotes
85.) Well-behaved women seldom make history.
Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
86.) Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished – If you’re alive it isn’t.
Richard Bach
87.) Luck is what you have left over after you give 100 percent.
Langston Coleman
88.) A peacock that rests on his tail feathers is just another turkey.
Dolly Parton
89.) The key to success is not through achievement but through enthusiasm.
Malcolm Forbes
90.) A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.
Graham Norton
91.) I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.
Ouiser Boudreaux
92.) The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.
Vince Lombardi
93.) Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
Robert Orben
Funny Inspirational Quotes
94.) What if the hokey pokey is what it’s all about?
Unknown
95.) If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
Jerry Seinfeld
96.) In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
Fran Lebowitz
97.) Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns
98.) Sometimes you lie in bed at night, and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!
Charlie Brown
Funny Positive Quotes To Share
99.) A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
Eleanor Roosevelt
100.) You grow up the day you have your first real laugh — at yourself.
Ethel Barrymore
101.) I’ll probably never fully become what I wanted to be when I grew up, but that’s probably because I wanted to be a ninja princess.
Cassandra Duffy
For Work
102.) The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
Will Rogers
103.) Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he’s supposed to be doing at that moment.
Robert Benchley
104.) A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it is not open.
Frank Zappa
105.) I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
By Michael O’Halloran
Michael O’Halloran founded Greeting Card Poet in 2014 and has worked as its publisher and editor ever since. He has co-authored four books on kids’ trivia and four on coaching. Previously, Michael was the president of Magnetic Poetry. He has invented and brought to market over 75 new gift and toy products, most of which involve wordplay. Mike is married and a father of four daughters.
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