We could all use a few funny Christmas quotes to brighten up our spirits during the holidays. Christmas is that time of the year when you have to enjoy it like there is no tomorrow. It is that time when you share presents and kind words with an open heart – no matter what the bills are. There is no other time like Christmas. It is also a time when you can take all the freedom to be humorous with anyone.

Hopefully, these gems will help generate a laugh or two.

Christmas Quotes Funny

• If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.
  Unknown

• Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
  Victor Borge
  
• You know what I got for Christmas? Fat. I got fat.
  Unknown
  
• Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
  Andy Borowitz

  

Jingle All The Way Meme

• Always jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
  Unknown

• Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.
  Unknown

Santa’s Naught List Meme

• It’s all fun and games until Santa checks the naughty list.
  Unknown

Hilarious Takes

• Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.
  Unknown
  

• The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.
  Julius Sharpe
• Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.
  Unknown
• What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
  Phyllis Diller
• Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.
  Unknown
• Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying ‘Buy Buy’.
  Robert Paul

Check out our Merry Christmas page.

Short Funny Christmas Quotes

• Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
  Andy Borowitz
• Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
  Johnny Carson
• I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.
  Henny Youngman
• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
  George Carlin
• Dear Santa, just leave your credit card under the tree.
  Unknown
• Nothing says holiday like a cheese log.
  Ellen DeGeneres
• That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
  Jerry Seinfeld
• Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
  Kin Hubbard
• A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.
  John B. Priestly
• Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.
  Catherine Tate
  
  
• Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.
  Carol Nelson
• Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of this day – the birth of Santa?
  Matt Groening
• At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.
  Robert Godden

Melanie White Quotations – “A White Christmas”

1. Christmas shopping for your parents is easy. Just buy them clothes you wouldn’t get caught dead in.
2. My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.
3. A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day.
4. It’s the holiday season. Let the overeating begin.
5. What’s the best part of Christmas shopping?
   When you know it’s a wrap.
6. You know you’ve had a good Christmas when you spend more time unwrapping presents than untangling lights.
7. Christmas is a state of mind and that special feeling that only comes with an empty bank account.

More Fun Sayings

• A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
  Garrison Keillor
• There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
  Erma Bombeck
• One good thing about Christmas shopping is it toughens you for the January sales.
  Grace Kriley
• I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
  Bernard Manning

Funny Christmas Movies Quotes

• I don’t know what to say, but it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.
  Ellen Griswold (Christmas Vacation)
• The heavenly aroma still hung in the house. But it was gone, all gone. No turkey. No turkey sandwiches. And, no turkey salad. And, no turkey gravy. Turkey Hash. Turkey a la King. Or gallons of turkey soup. Gone, ALL GONE.
  Ralphie (Christmas Story)
• From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.
  Katharine Whitehorn 
• We’re gonna have the hap- hap- happiest Christmas.
  Clark Griswold (Christmas Vacation)
• One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.
  Professor Dumbledore (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone)
• You’ll shoot your eye out kid. Merry Christmas.
  Santa Claus (Christmas Story)

You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out Video

More From the Movies

• Christmas shopping. Never an easy or a pleasant task.
  Harry (Love Actually)
• You know you’re getting old, when Santa starts looking younger.
  Bart Simpson (The Simpsons)

Merry Christmas Funny Quotes

• Why were there only three kings at Jesus’ birth?
  Elvis had not yet entered the building.
  May your longest list this Christmas be the one that counts your blessings.
  Unknown
• At Christmas, play and make good cheer, for Christmas comes but once a year.
  Thomas Tusser
• You are the reason Santa has a naughty list.
  Unknown
• Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?
  Arlo Guthrie
• May you never be too grown up to search the skies on Christmas Eve.
  Unknown
• Santa saw your Instagram pictures. You are getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
  Unknown
• Christmas is cancelled. You told Santa that you have been good this year. He died laughing.
  Unknown
• Merry Christmas.
  Know what the best thing about this card is?
  It doesn’t come with a fruitcake.
  Unknown

For Cards

• I wish for your holidays to be filled with many big smiles and big celebrations – but hopefully not big credit card bills.
• My Christmas wish for you this year is simple: with all you are going to consume over the holidays, I hope your digestive system can handle it like a champ.
• Happy holidays. May your egg nog contain enough rum to get you through the Christmas season.
• I wish you love in loneliness, peace in trouble and white Christmas but if your white wine goes out, resort to red. Merry Christmas.
• Merry Christmas. May you receive presents that make you happy – and not fruitcake and ugly Christmas sweaters.
  
• If you finish your Christmas shopping early, you should consider what’s wrong with you having so few friends.
• May the calories of Christmas disappear by the New Year. Happy holidays.
• I wish you wealth in nothingness and love in loneliness; When you have nothing to celebrate the Christmas, just believe that the next knock at your door belongs to Santa.
• Merry Christmas. Santa is giving you the gift of a frigid winter – but just for a few more months.
• I wanted to send you something amazing for Christmas but the mailman told me to get out of the mailbox.
• Merry X-mas. May you be surrounded by jolly elves – and not nasty grinches- this holiday season.

Humorous Sayings

• Remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
  Dave Barry
• Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.
  Larry Wilde
• There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
  Bob Phillips
• One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.
  Andy Rooney
• Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.
  Unknown
• What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.
  Don Marquis
• Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
  Dave Barry
• Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts.
  Unknown
• Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.
  Bridger Winegar

Funny Christmas Quotes

• Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.
  Lenore Hershey
• A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.
  Jay Leno
• You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights.
  Maya Angelou
• Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.
  Unknown
• Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.
  P. J. O’Rourke
• Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.
  Frank McKinney Hubbard
• People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.
  Unknown

Funny Sayings

• I stopped believing in Santa Clause when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.
  Shirley Temple
• What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
  Unknown
• I get a little behind during Lent, but it comes out even at Christmas.
  Frank Butler
• Xmas: The only time of the year where you can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of socks.
  Unknown
• Dear Santa, I can explain.
  Unknown

• I’m dreaming of a white Xmas. But, if it runs out, I’ll drink the red.
  Unknown
• Dear Santa, I’ve been good for the past few days. Let’s focus on that.
  Unknown

You’re on Funny Christmas Quotes.

Further Reading: 10 More for the Holidays

Xmas Quotations for Holiday Cheer

Card Sayings and Ideas for Messaging

Merry Christmas Wishes and Greetings

Buddy the Elf Lines

Happy New Year Greetings

Christmas Jokes

Noel Puns and One Liners

College Students: Gifts for Xmas

The Xmas Card Tradition

Xmas Card Messages

New Year Quotations

Our Thanksgiving puns make light of what many consider to be the most American of all holidays. We get together with friends and family, we eat, watch some football, we eat some more, and maybe, just maybe get in a little post-meal exercise. Oh, and one more thing – the most important – we express our gratitude and give thanks for all of our blessings in life. One of those blessings is the ability to laugh at ourselves.

Thanksgiving Puns To Fill Your Plate

1. Getting the longer part of the wishbone is a snap.
2. Eat, Drink and Cranberry.
3. Leftovers are for quitters.
4. Don’t feed the turkey, it’s stuffed.
5. Gobble, Gobble, until you wobble, wobble.
6. It doesn’t get any butter than this.
7. It’s all fun and games until the pants don’t fit.
8. I’m all about the baste, about the baste.
9. The dinner doesn’t stop until I’ve tried everything.
10. Is Thanksgiving dinner over?
    You ain’t seen stuffing yet.
11. Buckle up for a great Thanksgiving, Pilgrim. (With apologies to John Wayne.)
12. Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, not your carbs.
13. What did the hipster say the day after Thanksgiving?
    I liked the leftovers before they were cool.

Funny Thanksgiving

1. Baby, I’m a maize at the way you feed me.
2. Get stuffed!
3. Already thinking about the leftovers.
4. Don’t forget to set your scales back 10 pounds tonight.
5. Don’t be a jerky, eat some turkey.
6. Eat hard, sleep harder.
7. Oh my gourd, I love Thanksgiving.
8. Talk Turkey To Me.
9. What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin pi!
10. When fitness means, “Can I fitness whole piece of pie in my mouth at once.”
11. Popeye’s Thanksgiving thought: I yam what I yam.
12. Go ahead, bake my day!

Learn more about the inside story of Thanksgiving’s History.

Thanksgiving Puns About Turkey

13. Butterballin’ on a Budget. 
14. Clear eyes, full stomach, can’t lose.
15. You miss 100% of the leftovers you don’t eat.
16. What is the key to a great Thanksgiving meal?
    Tur-key! Duh.
17. Nobody puts gravy in the corner.
18. What does a turkey drink from?
    A gobble-t.
19. I’m giving up leftovers over time because I can’t quit cold turkey.
20. An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.

Thanksgiving Puns for Kids

1. What do you get when you cross a octopus with a turkey?
   Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
2. Where did the turkey learn to dance?
   At the Butterball.
3. Thanksgiving = Not a good day to be my pants.
4. What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
   The letter “g.”
5. Black Friday purchases need to take in account the weight you gained on Thursday.

More Puns for Kids.

Pilgrim Jokes

1. What did the pilgrim call his home boys?
   Pal-grims!
2. Why doidn’t pilgrims tell secretes in the corn field?
   The corn has ears.
3. What happened to the pilgrim who was wounded by the Indian?
   He had an arrow escape.
4. If pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
   Their age.
5. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
   Pilgrims

More Fun Thanksgiving Jokes and Humor.

Funny Thanksgiving Insights

7. My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
   Phyllis Diller 
8. On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment – halftime.
9. Put your fat pants on…it’s time to eat.
10. There’s a place for all of God’s creatures – next to the potatoes and gravy.
11. What a bunch of turkeys!

Happy Thanksgiving Meme

Happy Turkey Day!

1. Call the girls, call the guys, we’re having peas, potatoes and pumpkin pies.
2. Give thanks, eat pie!
3. People dress up on Halloween, we dress turkeys on Thanksgiving.
4. The day after thanksgiving is the busiest day for plumbers.
5. Eat, drink and wear stretchy pants.
6. Don’t run a fowl of the cook!
7. Ah, the life of pie.
8. What do you call a rude turkey?
   A Jerkey!
9. What did the turkey say to the hunter?
   Quack, quack, quack.
10. Families are like peanut brittle, it takes a lot of sweetness to hold the nuts together.
11. What does a turkey with one leg say?
    Wobble-wobble.
12. Why were the fans tired of the turkeys’ baseball team?
    All they hit were fowl balls.

Thanksgiving Movie Puns Meme

Thanksgiving Movies

1. What’s eating Giblet Grape?
2. Bye Bye Birdie.
3. Poultry Fiction.
4. Some Like it Hot.
5. An American Turkey in the Oven.
6. Gobbler on the Roof.
7. To Kill a TurkeyBird.
8. Eat, Pray, Football.
9. The Right Stuffing.
10. The Dining King.
11. The Maltese Turkey.
12. Turkey Darko.
13. Fowl Play!
14. A Sweet Potato Named Desire.
15. Inglorious Basters.
16. Cradle 2 Gravy.
17. Leave it to Cleaver.
18. Beauty and the Feast.
19. Silence of the Yams.

Turkey Leftovers

1. When the turkey was told he would be surrounded by family for the holiday, it wasn’t necessarily a good thing.
2. How to diet on Thanksgiving: Don’t!
3. The thing I’m most thankful for: Elastic Waistbands.
4. Thanksgiving dinner: How people used to communicate before social media.
5. Dear Christmas, Wait your turn. C’mon man!
   Sincerely, Thanksgiving
6. I was thinner before Thanksgiving dinner.

###

You’re on Thanksgiving Puns page.

Further Reading

Thanksgiving Quotes and Greetings

55 Great Gratitude Quotes

Thankful Sayings

Do you like puns? Check these out:

Birthday

Christmas

Coffee

Food including Pizza, Donuts and Cheese

Wine

If you’re looking for some funny happy birthday messages, memes and wishes, you’ve come to the right place. Check out our offering below and use one or more of the selections for birthday cards, social media wishes and greetings in person.

Funny Ways to Say Happy Birthday

Another year, another new place that aches.

A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip.

So many candles, so little cake.

Welcome to the Middle Ages – Happy 50th!

Your birthday:  A day to celebrate that you didn’t die last year!

Call Out: Do you have any ideas for funny happy birthday messages? Let us know on the Contact page. Thanks.

Hilarious Birthday Wishes

Happy b’day! The only thing getting old is that phrase!

Wishing you joy and moves like Jagger on your birthday!

I hope that for every candle on your cake you get a wonderful surprise.

My heartfelt congratulations for being born a very, very, very long time ago.

On your birthday, let me wish you plenty of joy, I know you’re too old, but I still bought you a toy!

May the 40th be with you!

Thanks for being born today. It’s a great excuse for eating cake.

Wishing you a day as unforgettable as I am. Happy Birthday Dude!

Happy Age Advancement Day! You still look fab!

Messages for Him

You’re going to need a lot of help blowing out your candles this year. Maybe I can help you.

Earlier I wished that your entire wish comes true this year. Then I thought that if your all dreams come true this year. Then there will be no dream left for next year.

Here’s to taking 50 by the horns and making it your bitch…right after your afternoon nap! Happy Birthday!

Don’t worry about your home. I had already booked fire extinguisher, in case your bday cake catches fire. Love you my old friend.

To the b’day boy, you’re getting up there in age. Don’t spend too much time counting your candles or you’ll get dizzy.

Don’t worry about your age. You are still younger than your next birthday. Have a special Celebration.

You’re a lucky bday boy to have a girlfriend like me.

I hope you’re feeling gracious on your birthday, it’s better to be alive than 6 feet under. Happy Birthday to you.

Honey. I’ll stick around forever…or at least until you stop looking younger than your true age. Stay sexy!

Sayings for Her

It’s good to stay young, but with every birthday you are getting older. Don’t worry, just chill. Make your b’day special.

This message is free from extra fat, cholesterol, and additives. It is totally organic, but it is full of sugar. This message is as sweet as the person reading it.

Can you blow out the candles on the cake or should we call the fire department? HBD, my baby!

Did you remember that happy, funny, colorful day of young age? It always feels awesome when you can recall those memories.

Funny how someone can be all the best AND all the worst in my life. Have a great bday!

Congratulations on your 10,950th days alive. Happy 30th Birthday, Sweetie!

I got something special for you, which both of us love. Wooo! I ate it all on the way.

On your Bday I have a special wish. Smile while all your teeth are present! Congratulations!

Your birthday reminds me of the old Chinese scholar: Yung No Mo.

Funny Birthday Messages Meme

Happy Birthday Dad Funny

Here’s a fun fact—no, not that you’re getting older. Just that you’re starting to look even funnier. Happy b’day Dad!

To my dear Dad: I was going to buy something awesome for your birthday, but I didn’t seem to have enough money. So for your birthday this year, I’m going to give you a suggestion that you increase my pocket money for the next year.

My dearest Dad, I know today is your Bday, but it’s not a real holiday so I’m not too excited about it. Just kidding.

Here’s to you on your birthday, Dad, and every gray hair on your head. After all, I helped to contribute to those.

Congratulations on the 38rd anniversary of your 18th birthday! You are still so young, Dad.

No matter what life throws at you Dad, at least you don’t have ugly children. HBD!

Life doesn’t come with a toolkit, but it comes with a Dad. Have a great bday!

You’ve always been my favorite no fee ATM. A special birthday wish to you Dad!

Happy birthday to a father who has the best daughter in the world.

HBD Meme

Husband Funny Happy Birthday Messages

I am the best thing that ever happened to you. Happy birthday dear!

HBD. Don’t think of it as getting older. Think of it as getting closer to qualifying for amazing senior discounts.

Happy Bday to one of the few people I can actually tolerate on a daily basis.

For some reason, when I go birthday shopping for you, I end up finding a lot more gifts for myself. Your birthdays are really expensive, but you’re worth it.

I hope you celebrate your birthday the way you came into this world: naked and screaming.

Dear hubby, you define my past and my future. And as for the present, I could find nothing for you. So I bought one for myself.

You’ve never lost your sense of wonder,
You wonder where your keys are,
You wonder where your glasses are,
And, you wonder where your shoes are,
You wonder where your mind is,
Have a wonderful bday.

Let’s celebrate your birthday and stop worrying about your age. It’s too late.

Happy birthday from one of the most amazing and wonderful women you know!

Tip: These funny happy birthday messages make great captions on Facebook and Instagram.

Birthday = Fun! Meme

Best Friend Greetings

May you live to be old and toothless.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Candles are years Happy Birthday to you!

You’re older than you’ve been. But look on the bright side, you’re younger now than you’ll ever be!

It’s your b’day! Which means it’s a great excuse to make some bad decisions, let’s party it up!

Forget the past, forget the future and please forget the present too as I did forget to get you one. But happy birthday, dear.

Best friends are the friends who keep your embarrassing secrets private. Thank you for always keeping my less than proud moments under wraps. Wishing a great birthday to my best friend.

May your birthday be amazingly awesome and your hangover be mercifully minor.

Happy Bday dear friend. A friend in need is a friend in deed; I’m in need of your car, to have it as mine, can you give it to me as a mark of being a friend indeed?

The best gift is the gift of friendship. So, that is what I got you for your birthday! Don’t worry. I got you a real present too.

Another year closer to getting those senior citizen seats on buses! HBD!

–Mike O’Halloran

In addition to being a curator of quotes, Mike is an author, inventor, and entrepreneur. He worked as president of Magnetic Poetry, creators of the ubiquitous refrigerator magnets folks use to create verse in their kitchens. Oh, and he’s enjoyed a lot of birthdays.

—————

You’re on Funny Happy Birthday Messages page.

Etcetera

You might like:

Quotes about Birthdays

Birthday Puns

21st Birthday Sayings

Birthday Greetings

Wishes on your Birthday

Sister

Cousin

Mom

Birthday Blessings

Everyone needs uplifting quotes in their life to get through difficult situations. Whether you are a child or an adult, everyone comes across new challenges every day of their life. By focusing on the qualities of positivity, courage, and strength to face and overcome them, you’ll emerge the winner. Your own personal development means a lot in life. Being positive encourages and inspires you to things that were impossible for you yesterday. Keep your eye on the prize.

Best Uplifting Quotes

• In a gentle way, you can shake the world.
  Mahatma Gandhi
• Each day provides its own gifts.
  Marcus Aurelius
• If you are working on something that you really care about, you don’t have to be pushed. The vision pulls you.
  Steve Jobs
• There are no limits to what you can accomplish, except the limits you place on your own thinking.
  Brian Tracy
• Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success.
  Dale Carnegie
• A word of encouragement during a failure is worth more than an hour of praise after success.
  Unknown
• When life knocks you down, try to land on your back. Because if you can look up, you can get up.
  Les Brown
• Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.
  Winston Churchill

Motivational For Women

• You are more powerful than you know; you are beautiful just as you are.
  Melissa Etheridge
• When we do the best we can, we never know what miracle is wrought in our life, or in the life of another.
  Helen Keller
• A woman is the full circle. Within her is the power to create, nurture, and transform.
  Diane Mariechild
• Don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself. Keep fighting for your dreams.
  Gabby Douglas
• Any woman who understands the problems of running a home will be nearer to understanding the problems of running a country.
  Margaret Thatcher
• The most effective way to do it, is to do it.
  Amelia Earhart
• If you don’t like being a doormat then get off the floor.
  Al Anon
• The fastest way to change society is to mobilize the women of the world.
  Charles Malik

Check out Maya Angelou Quotes.

Positive Uplifting Quotations

• Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.
  Lyndon B. Johnson
• In order to carry a positive action we must develop here a positive vision.
  Dalai Lama
• What you lack in talent can be made up with desire, hustle and giving 110% all the time.
  Don Zimmer
• The thing that lies at the foundation of positive change, the way I see it, is service to a fellow human being.
  Lee Lacocca
• Imagine your life is perfect in every respect; what would it look like?
  Brian Tracy
• Today’s accomplishments were yesterday’s impossibilities.
  Robert H. Schuller
• Personal development is the conscious choice to improve one’s life to become a better person and to grow as an individual.
  Unknown

You Are More Powerful Than You Know Quote Meme

Funny Positive Sayings

• Watching a person who successfully loses fifty pounds and changes her life is more inspirational than listening to a fitness coach with a perfect body.
  Martin Meadows
• Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
  Tom Lehrer
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  George Carlin
• Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished – If you’re alive it isn’t.
  Richard Bach
• If you hang out with chickens, you’re going to cluck and if you hang out with eagles, you’re going to fly.
  Steve Maraboli
• I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.
  Michael Scott
• Think like a proton. Always positive.
  Unknown

Earl Nightingale Quotes

• A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can’t go anywhere till you change it.
• All you need is the plan, the road map, and the courage to press on to your destination.
• We can let circumstances rule us, or we can take charge and rule our lives from within.
• Whatever we plant in our subconscious mind and nourish with repetition and emotion will one day become reality.
• We become what we think about most of the time, and that’s the strangest secret.
• To give oneself is the only way of becoming oneself.
• It is in the expectations of happiness that much of happiness is found. And it takes courage to expect happiness.

Bible Quotations

• Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
  Thessalonians 5:11
• The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.
  Proverbs 18:10
• I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
  Philippians 4:13
• Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.
  Joshua 1:9
• Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
  Matthew 11:28
• Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.
  Psalm 31:24

Encouraging Quotations

• Everything you need to accomplish your goals is already in you.
  Unknown
• Once you choose hope, anything’s possible.
  Christopher Reeve
• Press on – nothing can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.
  Calvin Coolidge
• Most great people have attained their greatest success one step beyond their greatest failure.
  Napoleon Hill

Mother Teresa Positive Quotes

• Peace begins with a smile.
• Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of love.
• Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.
• Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.
• There are no great things, only small things with great love.

The World is Full of Magical Things Meme

Short, Positive Quotes

• Do what you can with all you have, wherever you are.
  Theodore Roosevelt
• A No. 2 pencil and a dream can take you anywhere.
  Joyce Meyer
• Light tomorrow with today.
  Elizabeth Barrett Browning
• There are no traffic jams along the extra mile.
  Roger Staubach
• Only he who attempts the absurd is capable of achieving the impossible.
  Miguel de Unamuno
• The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.
  Confucius
• I believe that if one always looked at the skies, one would end up with wings.
  Gustave Flaubert
• I dwell in possibility.
  Emily Dickinson
• If you look at what you have in life, you’ll always have more.
  Oprah Winfrey

Tip: Use these motivational quotes by posting on a bulletin board or on a note pad on your desk as a daily reminder to stay postive.

Norman Vincent Peale Quotations

A Dream Meme (Hey, that rhymes!)

Inspirational and Motivational Quotes

• It is always the simple that produces the marvelous.
  Amelia Barr
• Limit your always’ and your never’s.
  Amy Poehler
• The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
  Bertrand Russell
• A champion is defined not by their wins but by how they can recover when they fall.
  Serena Williams
• Let us make our future now, and let us make our dreams tomorrow’s reality.
  Malala Yousafzai
• Each person must live their life as a model for others.
  Rosa Parks
• Motivation comes from working on things we care about.
  Sheryl Sandberg
• Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.
  E. E. Cummings
• No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
  Robin Williams

Will Rogers Uplifting Quotes

• Never let yesterday use up too much of today.
• Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

  Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

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Etcetera

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Hit your stride with these dad jokes. They’re too good not to share! Sometimes, fathers can say the darndest things. But, in the big picture, there’s still something really comforting about their type of corny humor. Grimace if needed, groan if you can’t keep it inside, but ultimately you probably love the effort. Look, he’s trying to make you smile even if he fails 90% of the time.

Enjoy these. You’re certain to enjoy a few chuckles (and groans) by the time you get to the end.

Best Dad Jokes

Dad jokes require a certain level of finesse, but these jokes roll off the tongue with little effort. After all, they combine a level of wordplay and pun mastery that few people can pull off, so enjoy!

Funny Dad Jokes

• Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks?
  Mini-soda.
• Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
  All of the fans left.
• What did the dad say when his son asked if he got a haircut?
  He said, no I got them all cut.
• What happened when the boy asked if his dad could you put his shoes on?
  He said, no, he doesn’t think they’ll fit him.
• Why did the dad tell his family to avoid the sushi?
  Because he said that it was a little fishy.

Cheesy

• Want to hear a joke about paper?
  Nevermind, I won’t tell it because it’s just tearable.
• Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
  It has really great food, but there’s no atmosphere.
• Why did the cookie cry?
  Because his father was a wafer so long.
• How do hair stylists speed up their job?
  They take short cuts.
• What is a boxer’s favorite drink?
  Punch.

More Cheesy Jokes.

Dad Jokes Meme

Bad Dad Jokes

• What is a dad’s favorite thing to eat at the movies?
  Popcorn.
• Why couldn’t the kid stop reading the book about anti-gravity?
  Because he said that it was impossible to put down.
• What’s the opposite of irony?
  Wrinkly.
• What did the man say in the elevator about the operator?
  This job really has its ups and downs.
• Why did the man stop his origami business.
  Because it folded.
• Why did the man hate the movie about the earthquake?
  Because it had so many faults.
• What did the girl say when she dropped her piece of gum on the floor?
  I guess it wasn’t mint to be.
• Why didn’t the comedian share his chemistry joke?
  Because he was afraid he wouldn’t get a reaction.
• Why don’t fathers wear sunglasses?
  Because they only wear dad glasses.

Corny Jokes Meme

Corny Jokes

• What kind of shoes does a thief wear?
  Sneakers.
• What did the bartender say to the jumper cable at the bar?
  I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.
• What did the woman leave the seafood disco last week?
  Because she pulled a mussel.
• Where can you get chicken broth in bulk?
  The stock market.
• What do you call a man with no nose and no body?
  Nobody nose.
• What did the man say about his sick cat?
  He doesn’t think it’s feline well.
• Why do we need geometry?
  Because life is pointless without it.
• How can you tell that a train just went by?
  It leaves its tracks.

Great, Corny Jokes.  Is that an oxymoron?

Good Jokes

• Why couldn’t the woman ever lose weight?
  Because she said it keeps finding her.
• Why is the athlete playing soccer?
  Because he’s just doing it for kicks.
• Why did the man stop working his job at a shoe recycling shop?
  Because it was sole destroying.
• Where did the one-legged waitress work?
  At IHOP.
• What happened when the two antennas got married?
  They had a great wedding and reception.
• Why didn’t the man get any camouflage trousers the other day?
  Because he couldn’t find any.
• What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
  A waist of time.
• Why don’t honest people need beds?
  They don’t lie.
• What did the boat say to the pier?
  What’s up, dock?
• Why did the cucumber call 911?
  It was in a pickle.

Terrible Jokes

• What did the mountain climber name his son?
  Cliff.
• What happened when the boy asked his dad to make him a sandwich?
  His dad said, poof, now you’re a sandwich.
• How do you make a steak pun?
  Medium well done.
• Why is milk the fastest liquid on earth?
  It’s pasteurized before you even see it.
• Why don’t ants ever get sick?
  Because they have little anty-bodies.
• What do you call a poppa candy?
  A sugar daddy.
• What did the light bulb say to its mother?
  I wuv you watts and watts.

Punny Jokes

• How much did the man charge for his batteries today?
  Nothing, they were free of charge.
• How many apples grow on a tree?
  All of them.
• What did the painter say to the wall?
  Don’t worry, I got you covered.
• What do you get when you cross a mouse with a squid?
  An eektopus.
• How does a penguin build its house?
  Igloos it together.
• What is a good password that’s eight characters long?
  Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
• What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
  The flag is a big plus.
• What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
  You spend too much time on the web.

One-Liner Jokes

• If you were a vegetable you’d be a cute-cumber.
• I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
• Every night at 11:11, I make a wish that someone will come fix my broken clock.
• I’m not indecisive, unless you want me to be.
• I once walked in on my parents while they were in bed. But they were asleep, so I left.
• I want to see something with the clothed eye.
• Pennies are a dime a dozen.
• I don’t like relationships. I get seasick.
• From my point of view, all I can see is a point.
• I once saw a court stenographer transcribe a mime’s testimony.
• I once painted a self-portrait of someone else.
• I’m just itching to tell you about my allergies.
• On the sunny side of the street, it’s a little bit warmer.
• I once found a needle beside a haystack.

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Etcetera

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Good morning messages to your family and friends start the day off right. A day started well, ends well. Attitude can make all the difference, and the person’s attitude you need to be most concerned about is your own.

Wishes for a Good Morning

The one rule for wishing someone a great day – and this is not to be broken – you must say it with a smile on your face.

For Him

To the guy whose hugs make my days sweeter and kisses make my life brighter.

I love waking up in your arms each day. It’s a fine Sunday morning, my handsome man. I wish you a beautiful day.

A handsome guy like you is a dream for most girls, but you are my reality and the person I love. Have a great day, babe.

Being yours makes every morning a very great morning. Good day, my love. Have an awesome day today. I can’t wait to see you.

Hello, handsome! I love the smell of fresh coffee in the morning; it’s a reminder that I have another day to spend with you.

My favorite times of the day are the mornings, like this morning, when I wake up to you, and when I know I will see you again tonight.

I just want to tell you how much I appreciate you each and every day.

This Sunday morning would be better if I were there with you, but I am so glad you are in my life. Have a beautiful day!

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For Her

That wonderful bird, singing near your window, is my companion, who agreed to help me to express my feelings for you.

Every morning the sun makes a compliment to your beauty and illuminates your room and fills it with warmth.

Good morning baby. I just wanted to say that your beautiful smile keeps me happy, your chirpy voice keeps me motivated, your tender touch keeps me active, and all I want is you with me.

Early in the morning, the warm sunshine, the cold morning breeze, the chirping of birds everything reminds me of you…my sweet angel. Thanks for being there with me, always. Good morning dear.

On Monday mornings, you are busy, but especially delicate and fragile. All I want is to keep you in my arms and never let you go.

May this lovely Sunday morning brings a new fragrance of romance in your life and fills your heart with love.

As sun smiles on you today, your luck may smile too today. Good morning and walk forward to your lucky day!

For Friends

Now, I cannot guarantee that you will have an awesome day but I can guarantee that you will be in the loving company of friends like me.

Having morning coffee…watching sunrise in the morning brings me a lot of happiness but there is lack of a little thing; you are not here with me.

As you read these words, know that right at this moment there is someone who is thinking of you and cares about you my friend.

My friend, may you have a day as bright as your smiles and as sweet as your soul this Thursday morning.

Good Morning Love

Now that such a sweet person like you has read this message, I won’t need to put sugar in my coffee.

The sun is up, the skies are blue, good morning my love I’ll be thinking about you.

You are the reason I have learned that not all days are going to be same. Staying still won’t do any good, but moving on would. Have a motivating morning!

Loving you is like a new day. It’s fresh and true.

This Sunday morning means nothing without, so I’m happy to say that you’re apart of my life.

If you’re not too busy this Sunday morning, please take some time to look yourself in the mirror and appreciate all that you are.

Happy Tuesday! Okay, so it may not Friday yet, but I am so happy you are alive and all mine.

The sun lights up the day, but you light up my life.

Happy Monday baby. I just wanted you to let you know that you are always on my mind. Have a great day!

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Good Morning Text

Remember that today is your day and no matter what happens you are truly an amazing part of my life.

Tell yourself today will be great, and if you really believe, it really will be!

Mondays may be hard, but remember that someone loves you.

This Saturday, I just want to snuggle with you the whole day long. Say you will stay?

I hope today brings plenty of joy and happiness, because no one loves you more than me.

Tip: Good morning messages sent as texts communicate to the recipient how much you care about them.

Good Morning Wishes

Every morning is special and you will not get them again. Enjoy the day!

Dreaming big is great but sleeping big is not. So, get up and get on with it (at your own leisurely pace).

You are the first thing to enter my mind in the morning and the last thing to leave my heart at night. Have a wonderful day!

Everyday may not be great, but there is something great in every day.

Morning Quotes

When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive – to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.
Marcus Aurelius

Good morning is not just a word, it’s an action and a belief to live the entire day well. Morning is the time when you set the tone for the rest of the day. Set it right!
Fain Blake

Morning is an important time of day, because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to have.
Lemony Snicket

Every morning I jump out of bed and step on a landmine. The landmine is me. After the explosion, I spent the rest of the day putting the pieces together.
Ray Bradbury

Up at dawn, the dewy freshness of the hour, the morning rapture of the birds, the daily miracle of sunrise, set her heart in tune, and gave her Nature’s most healing balm.
Louisa May Alcott

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Etcetera

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