How To Apologize Effectively
If everyone knew how to apologize and implemented the correct approach when needed, the world would be a better place. Inevitably, we all wrong some people in our lives.
It’s appropriate to apologize when one realizes what has happened. But please don’t just stumble into it. Please give it some thought.
Your words matter greatly if a person feels they’ve been wronged or imposed upon. Your apology needs to be sincere and good-hearted.
Please read through our definition of apology below, along with how to apologize, suggested messages, and how to accept an apology.
What’s an apology?
The word’s earliest meaning in English was “something said or written in defense or justification of what appears to others to be wrong. Ben Franklin said, “Never ruin an apology with an excuse.”
It can also be a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure. It shows remorse over your actions and acknowledges the hurt they caused someone. An admission of error followed by regret is a written or spoken expression of one’s regret for wronging another.
How to Apologize
1.) An apology keeps the focus on your actions. For example, “I’m sorry you felt hurt by what I said at dinner last night.”
Instead, try, “I’m sorry for what I said at dinner last night. It was mean and out of line.” Own your behavior and apologize, period.
2.) An apology requires you to try your hardest to avoid repeating the behavior you apologized for. Make a sincere effort to ensure that there isn’t a repeat performance.
For example, apologize for canceling plans at the last minute, try to get together next time, and cancel again. This is a repeat performance.
3.) An apology needs to be followed by corrective action. For example, if your friend says they paid for the last few lunches, apologize and tell your
friend, you will make it up to them and pay for the next few.
4.) An apology does not include the word “but.” The word “but” eliminates the apology and is almost always followed by an excuse or criticism.
For example, “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t finish my homework because I had to take my brother to the mall.” “I’m sorry, but the machine at work broke, so I couldn’t complete my project.”
You might like the How to Start a Letter page.
My Apologies
1.) Ask for permission; When they permit you to apologize, let them know exactly what you are apologizing for.
2.) Make it right. Sometimes, it isn’t possible to make the situation right. When it is, please do everything you can to make it right.
3.) Promise that you won’t do it again. If you do it again, what you offer is an excuse and not an apology for what you did.
4.) Forgiveness: Don’t assume they forgive you after discussing things. Ask them for your forgiveness.
5.) Handwritten note: This is a permanent reminder of your apology and your promise not to do it again. This will help keep your promise because they have your note saying you will.
6.) Intention: A sincere apology should be given and accepted with all intentions of restoring that relationship and making it stronger. Intention can move relationships to a deeper level of respect and care for one another.
7.) Express regret; This indicates to the hurt that you are aware that you caused them pain. Be responsible for owning up to what you said. Owning up to what you said or did will spell out what you did wrong.
Apology Messages
1.) “I’m asking for your forgiveness. Will you please forgive me?”
2.) I’m sorry for hurting you. I wish I could return time and take back what I did.” “If I could take back time, I would change my behavior. Unfortunately, I can’t, so please let me make it up to you and accept my apology. I am so sorry.”
3.) “I’m sorry for what I said at dinner last night. It was cold and uncalled for.”
4.) “I apologize for being late to pick you up. I have no excuse. And I am sorry for keeping you waiting out in the cold.”
5.) I’m sorry my costume was offensive to you. It was never my intent to make you feel uncomfortable.”
6.) “Even though I probably don’t deserve it, I want your forgiveness.”
Saying I’m Sorry — How to Apologize
7.) “I overlooked your happiness to make myself happy. I realized that all of my happiness lies in your happiness. Please forgive me. I am sorry.”
8.) “This sad day is hurting me so much. I’m sorry. I take back my awful words. I know I am to blame. I’m sorry, my dear; please forgive me. I miss you so much.”
9.) “I’m sorry for making you so sad today. Please give me another chance. My heart breaks every time we fight like this.”
10.) “Your heart means so much to me. I am sorry if I made you angry at dinner. I never want to hurt you like that again.”
Check out Best I’m Sorry Messages.
How Do You Say “Apology Accepted”
1.) Be direct. Tell them you are hurt and why. Allow them to make it right. For example, “I appreciate your apology, thank you. My feelings were hurt when you yelled at me before our friends.”
2.) Have compassion. Have an open heart. It won’t replace their apology but will make it easier to hear.
3.) Be sincere. Sometimes, a sincere “thank you” works best. For example, “I appreciate your apology, thank you.” “Thank you for apologizing. I was hurt when you told that lie about me.” “Thank you very much for the kind words in your letter. I appreciate you taking the time to write to me. It was great to hear from you. I forgive you.”
4.) Say, “I understand.” Use “I understand” rather than “it’s okay” or “it’s fine.” “I understand” makes them realize you accept their apology and move forward. “It’s okay” or “it’s fine” won’t make it clear to them that you accepted the apology and may come across as disrespectful.
5.) Forgive; “I accept your apology. In return, my forgiveness is my gift to you.” “I accept your apology and forgive you. Please know it will take time to earn your trust again.”
6.) Be mindful of your feelings. “I am glad you said you are sorry, but my feelings are still hurt. We need to talk about this more, knowing it will take time. I want to feel close to you again.”
Accepting an “I’m Sorry” Message
7.) Acknowledge specifically what they have said. “When you canceled our date, my feelings were hurt. I felt bad, and I hope you won’t do it again. Thank you for talking to me about it. I am feeling better since we spoke.”
8.) Listen. Let them speak without interruption. Try hard to hear what they are saying. Respond, “I appreciate you coming to me. Your effort to acknowledge your mistake means a lot to me. I still need some time. Please understand.”
9.) Try to let it go. Give your friends breaks when you can. Please don’t dwell on it. “Thanks for the apology. I already rolled it off my shoulder.” “I appreciate your kind words; let’s move past this together.”
10.) Move on. “The letter of apology you sent shows me that you accept your mistake and that it was wrong of you to tell Mary about my crush on her. Thank you for being honest with me, and I hope our friendship continues for years to come.”
Moving On
After an apology has been communicated and accepted, it’s generally best for the relationship to move on. Connect with that person like you did before the need for an apology. Good face-to-face communication can help.
Sometimes, the nuances of communication can be lost in our world of text messages, emails, and social media posts. When there’s a conflict, try to make every effort to communicate in person. If that’s not possible, pick up the phone. Two-way communication in real time can solve a lot of problems.
Closing Thoughts
Sometimes, we neglect to say “I’m sorry” to the people we love the most. Whereas many are quick to apologize to strangers or casual friends, we forget to make appropriate apologies to the ones in our families who are nearest and dearest.
We don’t buy into the Love Story movie message: “Love means you never have to say you’re sorry.” On the contrary, you may have to apologize to the ones you love.
Another important note: don’t wait too long to make a good apology, and don’t take too long to accept an apology. Life is short. Say you’re sorry, accept the apology, and move on to bigger and better things. You’ll be glad you did.
By Michael O’Halloran
Michael O’Halloran founded Greeting Card Poet in 2014 and has worked as its publisher and editor ever since. He has co-authored four books on kids’ trivia and four on coaching. Previously, Michael was the president of Magnetic Poetry. He has invented and brought to market over 75 new gift and toy products, most of which involve wordplay. Mike is married and a father of four daughters.
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You’re on the How To Apologize Effectively page. Originally published in January 2020. Revised and updated on April 30, 2024.
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