Funny Quotes and Sayings
There is a reason why people love to hear funny quotes and sayings from comedians. It is a great way to escape from their mundane lives.
Most of these quotes and phrases come from real-world experiences. And many carry messages of wisdom in them.
Whether you want to bring a smile to someone’s face or convey a deeper message, these funny quotes and sayings from famous men and women are the perfect choice. Share or read these funny quotes yourself to have a great time.
If you’re in a hurry, we picked our top dozen to kick things off.
Best Funny Quotes — The Poet’s Picks
1.) I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
2.) It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
Steve Wright
3.) I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred-dollar bill.
Emo Philips
4.) They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home. There’s more to it than that.
Mitch Hedberg
5.) I’ve been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.
Steve Wright
6.) I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
Mitch Hedberg
7.) How many people have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
8.) When we were driving over the border back into the United States, they asked me if I had any firearms. I said what do you need?
Steve Wright
9.) I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was a paperboy. (And,) I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses…or two dumpsters.
Mitch Hedberg
10.) I ran three miles today… finally, I said, “Lady, take your purse.”
Emo Philips
11.) My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
12.) Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Jack Benny
Funniest Quotes, Phrases, and Sayings
13.) One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
George W. Bush
14.) If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
Mitch Hedberg
15.) Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterward.
Benjamin Franklin
16.) Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Billy Sunday
17.) The evening news is where they start by saying ‘good evening’ and proceed by telling you why it’s not.
Unknown
18.) It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living.
John McDowell
19.) If you want to look young and thin, hang around old, fat people.
Jim Eason
20.) I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield
Amusing Quotes
21.) Some people just have a way with words, and other people – oh – not have way.
Steve Martin
22.) It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.
Unknown
23.) I worry whoever thought up the term ‘quality control’ thought if we didn’t control it, it would get out of hand.
Jane Wagner
24.) I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
Bonnie McFarlane
25.) The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
Mark Twain
26.) Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn’t mean he knows what it is.
Franz Kafka
27.) A Canadian psychologist is
selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
Jay Leno – See Jay on Facebook
28.) The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
Unknown
29.) We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
Rita Rudner
Humorous Phrases
30.) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Unknown
31.) Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information.
Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding
32.) Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
Bob Hope
33.) I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.
Stephan Bishop
34.) I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Sherrilyn Kenyon
35.) Creditors have better memories than debtors.
Benjamin Franklin
36.) An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion a day keeps everyone away.
Cassandra Chatfield
37.) Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office.
Shirley Maclaine
38.) Where there is a will, there are 500 relatives.
Unknown
39.) A perfectly kept house is a sign of a misspent life.
Mary Randolph Carter
40.) Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.
Unknown
Good Funny Quotations
41.) Fish and visitors stink after three days.
Benjamin Franklin
42.) A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple.
John Florio
43.) A teacher’s job is to take a room full of live wires and make sure they are well-grounded.
Unknown
44.) Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top.
Dave Barry
45.) A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
Unknown
46.) Being young is a fault that diminishes daily.
Swedish Proverb
47.) The only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.
Unknown
48.) Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.
Unknown
Hilarious Sayings
49.) We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
Paula Poundstone
50.) Join The Army. Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
Unknown
51.) Don’t tell me the sky’s the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
Paul Brandt
52.) The key to eating healthy is
not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
Mike Birbiglia
53.) It is better to swallow words than to have to eat them later.
Franklin Roosevelt
54.) Good judgment comes from experience and experience… well, that comes from poor judgment.
A.A. Milne
55.) I don’t know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.
Robert Brault
56.) When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
Unknown
Comical
57.) How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
Jay Leno
58.) I stopped fighting my inner demons; we’re on the same side now.
Darynda Jones
59.) If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?
Jon Stewart
60.) We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
Jeff Marder
61.) A hotel minibar allows you to
see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.
Rich Hall
62.) I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
63.) Sometimes, I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
Paul Rodriguez
64.) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Unknown
65.) You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
Zach Galifianakis
66.) A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
Unknown
67.) My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.
Tina Fey
Funny Quote of the Day
68.) The holiday season: a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Dave Barry
Knee-Slappers and-Side Splitters
69.) I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that, for me, it was basically cannibalism.
Rob O’Reilly
70.) Blessed is he that expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
Benjamin Franklin
71.) I never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Mark Twain
72.) If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin
73.) Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse can happen to you for the rest of the day.
Unknown
74.) He’s so optimistic he’d buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants.
Chuck Tanner
75.) I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.
Ronald Reagan
76.) I have never killed a man but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
Clarence Darrow
77.) Being president is like
running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.
Bill Clinton
78.) Swimming is a confusing sport because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.
Demetri Martin
79.) Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.
Louis Grizzard
Short Funny Quotes
80.) Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.
Mark Twain
81.) Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.
Unknown
82.) The road to success is always under construction.
Lily Tomlin
83.) A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Unknown
84.) A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Charlie Chaplin
85.) All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. Charles M. Schulz
86.) The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.
Rose Nylund
87.) Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
88.) Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.
Don Herold
Funny Quotes For the Intelligent
89.) If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.
Mahatma Gandhi
90.) Everything is funny as long as it’s happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers
91.) Celebrate your successes. Find some humor in your failures.
Sam Walton
92.) Smiling is definitely one of the best beauty remedies. If you have a good sense of humor and a good approach to life, that’s beautiful.
Rashida Jones
93.) Kindness and a generous spirit go a long way. And a sense of humor. It’s like medicine – very healing.
Max Irons
94.) From there to here and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
Dr. Seuss
95.) Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
Victor Borge
96.) Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Peter Ustinov
97.) Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.
Will Ferrell
98.) Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.
Mark Twain
Family Funny Quotes
99.) There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Jerry Seinfeld
100.) Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns
101.) Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov
102.) I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner
103.) Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.
P.J. O’Rourke
Laugh Out Loud
104.) In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
Fran Lebowitz
105.) I’m not superstitious…but I am a little stitious.
Michael Scott, The Office
106.) If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.
John Gotti
107.) You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
Joan Rivers
108.) I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.
Bill Gates
109.) By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day.
Robert Frost
110.) The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
James Branch Cabel
Real Funny Quotes
111.) I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde.
Dolly Parton
112.) Sometimes, you lie in bed at night, and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!
Charlie Brown
I hope you enjoyed our collection of funny quotes and sayings.
By Michael O’Halloran
Michael O’Halloran founded Greeting Card Poet in 2014 and has worked as its publisher and editor ever since. He has co-authored four books on kids’ trivia and four on coaching. Previously, Michael was the president of Magnetic Poetry. He has invented and brought over 75 new gift and toy products to market, most of which deal with wordplay. Mike is married and a father of four daughters.
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